עברית
Faith
A Husband Who Curses
Question
Hello. (I am married to a husband I am crazy about, and I have 9 children. I have been at home for three years and stopped working.) My husband holds a very high position at work and carries a lot of responsibility; many depend on him. He told me in one of our conversations that when he comes home, he feels as if he is stepping down from a place where everyone needs him, consults him, and gives him respect, to a home where the children do not really need him, and often he does not receive enough respect when he arrives. He sees that I manage very well even without him, which greatly diminishes him. So, any small thing the children do or if something is not tidy or an area is not clean (which happens sometimes despite my being very clean and organized – but one cannot live in a sterile environment with nine children), he reacts in a terribly forbidden way, cursing and humiliating either me or the child involved. Of course, this varies depending on his mood that day and whether we have granted mutual forgiveness, which greatly affects him. In short, I understand where this stems from, and we talk about it a lot, but there is no long-term improvement. I invest a great deal in educating the children in derech eretz (proper conduct), and he curses freely. I refuse to allow the children to behave disrespectfully toward him, so I often get angry at the child who responds insultingly to my husband. Although when my husband calls the child a "rasha" (wicked one) and the child reacts facially as if to say, "No, because you?" I understand the child very well and do not want his self-confidence to decline.
Answer
Dear Inquirer, As I understand, one principle of maintaining peace in the home is the need for a spouse who works outside the home and holds some stature in his place of employment to acquire the ability to "step down" from that role when he arrives home at the end of the day. The intention here is that, ultimately, no matter how great a person’s position or status may be — even if he is the president of the country — he is, above all, a human being, a husband, and a father. That is his true reality, which he must "step down to" upon crossing the threshold into his home. Therefore, it is necessary for both spouses to learn how to "shift gears" when coming home from outside. Someone who tries to live at home as he is treated at work and demands there the same respect given to him during the day — as if that defines his reality at home — will not succeed in the long term, for that is not his true reality. In truth, a person’s principal reality is who he is at home; any honor or respect he receives outside or at his workplace is given for the success of those who employ him and, towards the person himself, is considered an additional blessing from Hashem, but this honor does not actually prove that he is "better" in Hashem’s eyes than others. On the contrary, a person’s true reality is how he is at home with his family and how his family respects him. If you recognize such a problem in your husband — that it is difficult for him or he lacks the ability to "step down" from his workplace stature upon arriving home — I would advise you to seek a therapist experienced in this phenomenon and attend at least one session with him for an assessment. The therapist might help your husband to view things in proper proportion, as Hashem wishes us to see them. Regarding your reactions toward the children, when the situation is still unbalanced, it is very difficult to advise. You are correct in that if you continue to support your husband’s harsh words against the children when his reaction is out of proportion, it may eventually cause the children’s self-confidence to decline or even worse, G-d forbid. On the other hand, you are also correct that, in the short term, until you receive help and the situation begins to stabilize, you need to support your husband even if he errs in his reaction, so the children do not feel you are opposing him. It is very important for children to always feel that their parents are united in their educational approach, so the children will be ready to accept it. Therefore, if you have a good relationship with your husband, as you write - thank God - the time to act is likely now (do not delay this). I suggest you go out alone with your husband to a restaurant, and after he has eaten and is satisfied, speak to him gently and appropriately on the following matter (you may phrase it in your own words): "Look, this must stop. We must change the situation; it cannot continue that when you are angry you express it by cursing the children. This could ruin all that we are trying to build at home and could impair their ability to succeed in life, G-d forbid." Then ask him: "What do you want to do?" Listen to what he says. Perhaps you will engage with him in a conversation about the distinction between a person’s role at work and his role at home and how one must develop the ability to transition between these roles. If he is open, you might offer that you have already found a therapist skilled in this phenomenon, who has helped many families achieve balance, and that you are investigating options for such a therapist—someone who seems suitable to be a guide for you. If he is willing, ask him to attend only one session to see if it helps. I conclude with a blessing: May Hashem assist you with womanly wisdom and extra understanding, how to restore balance and peace to your home. May you merit that goodness always prevail between you and your husband and that your children forge a true and loving bond with your husband (and as a result come to honor him as their father). May you merit to see nachat (joy) from all your children.
Blessings, Rabbi Nachum
