What Does It Mean to Be Involved with a Married Woman?

To the honorable questioner, To understand how to properly repent, we must first detail the prohibitions involved in the matter mentioned: 1) According to Torah law, the death penalty by the court applies to a married woman only in the case of full sexual relations. 2) Sexual relations with a forbidden woman are prohibited by the Torah, but do not constitute one of the sixty principal transgressions enumerated in the Torah’s serious prohibitions. 3) Touching or drawing near to a forbidden woman is forbidden by one of the sixty principal Torah prohibitions; one who intentionally violates this in the presence of witnesses and after warning would be liable to "forty lashes" by the court. 4) The emission of semen in vain is a very serious matter, especially for one who brought it upon himself intentionally. Some authorities hold that it warrants Heavenly punishment of death. However, it is not one of the sixty principal Torah prohibitions. Therefore, one wishing to repent must fulfill the three parts of repentance relating to all the forbidden acts involved (numbers 2, 3, and 4 mentioned above): regret, confession, and acceptance of the future obligation. See Rambam, Laws of Repentance, Chapter 2, Halachos 3-4. From your letter, it appears that you have great remorse for what occurred, and that if the same situation arose again, you would refrain from engaging in it and would separate yourself. As the Gemara (Yoma 86b) states: "What is the likeness of a baal teshuvah (one who repents)? Rabbi Yehudah said: It is like one who encountered the same sin twice and was saved each time," meaning the same woman, at the same time, in the same place. If this is true, then you only need to fulfill the remaining parts of repentance, namely confession and acceptance for the future. See Rambam, Laws of Repentance, Chapter 1, Halacha 2 for the wording of the confession. It should be said standing and bowed over, detailing as precisely as possible the parts of the deed and what was done that was displeasing to Hashem, as the Rambam writes in Chapter 2, Halacha 4: "One must specify the sin." The more details mentioned (without unnecessary length, just the facts), beginning with the words to Hashem: "I have sinned, acted wrongfully, and transgressed before You, and I have done..." helps uproot the evil inclination regarding this matter from one’s heart. No other person needs to hear this confession; it is between the individual and Hashem. However, the words must be verbalized; it is not sufficient to confess only mentally. When one has confessed and is remorseful, and also accepts upon himself some fence or limitation to prevent repeating this situation in the future (for example, to carefully learn the laws of forbidden relations and to immediately remove himself from any setting where relations could occur), this is considered repentance. However, regarding the Torah prohibition mentioned in number 3 above, confession alone is not sufficient to complete the repentance. As the Rambam writes (Laws of Repentance, Chapter 1, Halacha 10): "One who transgresses a negative commandment for which there is no karet (excision) or death penalty by the court, and repents—repentance is dependent on Yom Kippur, and on that day they say 'for on this day He will atone for you.' Therefore, he must wait until Yom Kippur, and thereafter he is forgiven." If a person is meritorious to undergo this process of repentance in this world, he need not undergo refining from sin after death in Gehenom, may Hashem save us. May we merit complete repentance and to perform Hashem’s will all the days of our lives. Blessings, Rav Nachum