Faith
What Is Pure and True Love?
Question
From what I have read and heard in various words of Torah, I understood that according to the Torah, pure and strong love between a husband and wife is unconditional love, and true love is giving, not taking. That is, giving love without expectation or a desire for one’s needs to be met by the other. Love that is given without expecting anything in return. I love my boyfriend and I love giving him my love, my affection, and so on (something I think he needs), but after a while, when we are in a serious relationship, I feel emptiness. I feel that this love drains me because he does not provide my need to feel loved. In other words, I feel that I love him very much, but he does not love me enough (unfortunately, that is what he knows). But does my desire for my own needs to be met mean that this is not pure love and is conditional? How can I know when it is true love according to the Torah? Does the very fact that I feel this need mean that I do not understand what true love is?
Answer
Dear questioner,
"Does my desire for my own needs to be met mean that this is not pure love and is conditional?"
Answer: Hashem created every person with needs, both the man and the woman.
Each one needs to give, but also needs to receive.
When the intent in receiving is to satisfy one’s personal need in order to give afterward more, such receiving is not called taking, but giving, because it is done for the sake of giving. In the language of Torah study, this is called: one who receives in order to give. But in the end, each one must also receive.
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Therefore, what you wrote is not accurate: "True love is giving and not receiving. That is, giving love without expectation or a desire for the other to satisfy one’s needs." Because in truth, one should indeed expect the other to also satisfy the giver’s needs. Rather, the intent in the matter of true love and pure love is that when the recipient receives the fulfillment of his need, his intention should not be only for himself, like an egoist; rather, his intention should be that he wants to be fulfilled not only for his own needs, but so that he will thereby have the strength to give more.
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Therefore, what you write, that you are not receiving your satisfaction, may be because you are always occupied with giving. And in truth, it must be that a large part of the time you are also occupied with receiving for yourself and filling your own need. Even so, the love remains pure if your intention in receiving is that through this you will be able to give even more.
2. "Does the very fact that I make this demand mean that I do not understand what true love is?"
Answer: No. The very fact that you demand the fulfillment of your need is natural and necessary, and the need must be satisfied. However, that same love itself can still remain completely pure if the intention is to give, as stated above.
With blessing,
Rabbi Nachum
