Acceptance: The Foundation of Marriage and Faith

When we pause to reflect, it becomes clear that many marital struggles stem from a lack of true acceptance of one’s spouse, and sometimes even of their family. Often, there is a quiet contradiction between an imagined “perfect wife” and the real woman a husband marries. That imagined figure may resemble his mother, or a fictional character shaped by movies and stories, someone endlessly warm, understanding, and accommodating.

Consciously or unconsciously, many husbands expect their wife’s personality, reactions, and behavior to align with these expectations. When reality does not match the ideal, frustration sets in. Some husbands respond by trying to reshape their wife into their personal vision of perfection. This effort is doomed to fail, as one cannot fundamentally change another person’s nature. Over time, disappointment can turn into regret, rather than recognition that Hashem intentionally placed him with this specific woman, with her own character, needs, and inner world. Marriage does not revolve around fulfilling one person’s expectations.

Acceptance as the Foundation of Marriage

A husband must fully accept his wife. Just as an army does not attempt to conquer every house at once but first focuses on key strongholds, acceptance is the foundation upon which all other marital growth depends. Without it, peace in the home cannot exist.

From the moment of marriage, a husband must believe wholeheartedly that through Hashem’s kindness, he has been given the wife best suited for him. This match was divinely ordained. Our sages explain that a person’s spouse is designated for them even before creation, as taught in Moed Katan 18b, Sotah 2a, and Sanhedrin 22a.

While some acknowledge this idea in theory, they quietly assume they are the exception. This mindset resembles someone who accepts all of Jewish law except the parts that demand personal responsibility. Believing that one’s marriage is a mistake implies a lack of trust in divine wisdom. Since Hashem makes no errors, correcting one’s perspective often leads to clarity. Many experienced couples testify that after the adjustment period, they came to recognize how perfectly matched they truly were.

Until this belief is internalized, there can be neither peace in the home nor true faith in Hashem.

Divine Supervision in Every Detail

The Creator supervises every individual at every moment, with boundless love. Nothing in life is random. Every event, whether perceived as good or difficult, is carefully directed for a person’s ultimate benefit.

Job expressed this truth clearly when he said, “Shall we accept good from Hashem and not accept hardship?” (Job 2:10). Everything that happens is meant to guide us toward growth and purpose. There is no bad luck and no coincidence.

The Talmud teaches that no one even injures a finger unless it is decreed from Above (Chullin 7b), based on the verses “A man’s steps are established by Hashem” (Psalms 37:23) and “Man does not understand his own path” (Proverbs 20:24). Because of this principle, our sages instituted the daily blessing thanking Hashem for directing our steps.

Scripture repeatedly affirms this idea. Hashem observes every action and every path of mankind (Jeremiah 32:19; Psalms 33:13). Jewish law rules that a person should always say, “All that the Merciful One does is for the good” (Shulchan Aruch, Orach Chaim 240:5).

The Ramchal explains in Da’at Tevunot that this belief is central to understanding Hashem’s unity. Declaring Hashem as One means recognizing that no other force governs reality. Nothing obstructs His will.

Seeing the Bigger Picture

A person can view life narrowly, focusing only on immediate discomfort, or step back and see reality as fully directed by Hashem. As Joseph told his brothers, “It was not you who sent me here, but God” (Genesis 45:8), and later, “You intended it for harm, but God intended it for good” (Genesis 50:20).

The more a person attributes events to Hashem rather than to people or circumstances, the better they understand reality and navigate life.

Rabbi Sofer once encountered an elderly Holocaust survivor who refused to put on tefillin, claiming he had severed ties with God. Rabbi Sofer gently challenged him by asking why he credited human effort for the creation of the State of Israel but blamed God for the Holocaust. This illustrates a common human tendency to recognize divine involvement selectively, remembering certain links while ignoring the broader picture.

Every Encounter Has Purpose

Every situation we encounter is meant to provide us with tools for growth. If an experience were unnecessary, Hashem would not have placed us in it. Nothing happens by chance.

The Rivash teaches that Hashem desires to be served in every circumstance, whether through prayer, study, or daily interactions. Similarly, Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch explains that every detail of a person’s life, from birthplace to relationships to challenges, was designed to help them fulfill their purpose.

The Chafetz Chaim hinted to this idea when explaining the verse “The place where you stand is holy ground” (Exodus 3:5). Even restrictive or challenging situations are holy, because they are opportunities to serve Hashem.

Marriage, family responsibilities, celebrations, and stressful preparations are all part of divine service. Accepting reality as it is becomes an act of faith.

Everyday Tests of Faith

Many people understand divine supervision intellectually, yet fail to live by it. When a bus is missed or plans fall apart, frustration quickly turns toward people or circumstances. This reveals that faith has not yet reached the heart.

The Chafetz Chaim explained that knowing something in theory is not enough. As the Torah says, “You shall know today and bring it into your heart.” Faith must shape how we interpret daily life, including delays, disagreements, and disappointments.

Faith, Reality, and Acceptance

The Chazon Ish observed that some who abandoned faith after the Holocaust had never fully believed beforehand. Their image of God existed only as long as reality matched their expectations. True faith means accepting reality as Hashem presents it, even when it is painful or confusing.

Marriage is often where this lesson becomes unavoidable. It confronts us with unfiltered reality. Accepting one’s spouse as they are is not only essential for marital peace, it is an expression of faith itself.

This lack of acceptance can also appear in parenting, when parents attempt to mold children into their own unrealized dreams rather than guiding each child according to their unique nature, as taught in Proverbs 22:6.

Marriage as Growth, Not Escape

Many enter marriage expecting effortless happiness. When reality demands effort, disappointment follows. Marriage is not an escape from life’s challenges but an invitation to deeper responsibility.

A ba’al teshuvah once reflected on how he mistakenly viewed marriage as a destination rather than a partnership. When he embraced its demands, he recognized that true faith begins when one steps out of illusion and into responsibility.

Breaking Self Centeredness

Marriage challenges ego and selfishness, which is essential for spiritual growth. Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch explains that marriage expands a person’s identity to include another. Consistent giving dissolves self-centered boundaries and allows one to recognize Hashem more clearly.

Expanding the Self

Rabbi Shimon Shkop taught that spiritual growth is measured by how far a person expands their sense of self, from caring only for their body, to their soul, to their family, and ultimately to all of Israel and creation. May we merit this expansion and live with faith grounded in acceptance.