Conversations That Matter: 9 Insights from Rabbi Dessler zt"l

Rabbi Eliahu Eliezer Dessler zt"l, author of 'Michtav Me’Eliyahu', devoted much of his writing to understanding the inner world of the human being and the subtle work required to refine one’s character. Rather than offering abstract ideals alone, Rabbi Dessler often focused on practical guidance, showing how small shifts in perspective can lead to meaningful inner change.

In Michtav Me’Eliyahu (Part 4), he presents a series of concrete and thoughtful recommendations aimed at helping a person overcome their character flaws in daily life, for their own benefit and growth. These insights reflect his deep sensitivity to human nature and his belief that genuine personal development is achieved through understanding others as much as understanding oneself.

He shares 9 practical insights:

1. “Do not engage with others strictly based on cold logic; always consider their state of mind and character traits.”

2. “Each person is more concerned with their own needs than with yours; thus, show them the aspects where your interests align with theirs.”

3. “Everyone thinks they excel in something more than you do, and they are likely right. Agree with them and they will like you.”

4. “Do not strive only for others to act; strive for them to want to act, and to find joy in their actions.”

5. “Do not talk too much about yourself; speak to your friend about themselves, and they will be interested to listen.”

6. “Listen to others. Make an effort to remember their names and personal details.”

7. “When speaking with your friend, acknowledge the truth. Why would they hate you?”

8. “Be careful not to engage in sharp arguments with your friends, as they create distance and division.”

9. “Remember what the wise doctors say: more than it is important to understand the illness, it is crucial to understand the patient. A large part of any ailment, and sometimes the ailment itself, comes from the patient’s mindset. When you succeed in fixing that through increased love and camaraderie, the ailment will pass.”

Rabbi Dessler concludes these insights with a profound observation:
“One who behaves according to these principles will find it easier over time to overcome their own flaws, as they will have grown accustomed to viewing everything from their friend’s perspective.”