A Father's Message of Unity and Resilience After Tragedy

"In Case..."

To my dear Adar, my beloved mom, the best dad in the world, all my siblings, and close family,

I want you to know how much I miss you and love you. Honestly, I was happy doing what I do - saving people and protecting our country, because it's something I've always wanted...".

Rafi Avers reads these words, his voice breaking. In his darkest dreams, he never imagined losing his youngest son, Shai, who fell during the Iron Swords War in the tragic incident known as the Namer Disaster, a month into the war.

"Shai left us several messages in his will, but the main thing he emphasized was how happy his life was and he asks us to keep living and be joyful, he wants us to remain a united family."

Rafi lifts his eyes. "Fulfilling Shai's will is not easy," he admits, "but since he fell, I have done everything to commemorate him in every possible way, and also to support other bereaved families. I haven't rested for a moment, my life has changed completely, and although they say 'time heals all wounds', I can personally attest that the longing stays with you all the time. A father will forever remember his son."

Life Changes

Rafi Avers is known by almost all bereaved families as he has visited over 750 homes of fallen soldiers, continuing to stay in touch long after his visits.

How have your lives changed since Shai was killed?

"Life has changed completely, and nothing is as it used to be. The Friday night kiddush is not the same, and the holidays we recently celebrated – Rosh Hashanah, Sukkot, and Simchat Torah – were different from before, because the absence is felt and the void is immense.

"Shai's room has turned into a large memorial, as we feel a need to honor his memory. Since he left home on Simchat Torah in 2024, we haven't changed the sheets or opened the closet. Everything remains just as it was. But, as I've mentioned, we strive to ensure that alongside the mourning and pain there is also commemoration, because from our experience, it is the only thing that gives strength. The more we do in Shai's honor, the more we know we are fulfilling his wishes, and when we manage to find joy despite the difficulty, we understand we are realizing his will."

With his encounters with bereaved families, Rafi notes that coping methods vary. "I first meet them during the week of shiva, and most of them are still in a 'flight mode'. They haven't truly absorbed what happened, and it feels as if they think any moment their son will knock on the door and say, 'Why are you sitting shiva? I'm alive'. But after shiva, or at most after the 'shloshim', all families have a sort of crash, which is why I strive to accompany them throughout, not just during shiva itself, because dealing with bereavement is very gradual and stays with you for life."

Rafi adds, "One thing I notice is when it comes to bereavement, it doesn't differentiate between rich and poor, right-wing and left-wing, religious and secular. It affects everyone the same.

"For this reason, last Rosh Hashanah, I set a table for thirty fallen soldiers in our hometown of Holon, placing chairs around it with names on them, and I made a video saying, 'Hello, my name is Raphael, and I'm Shai's father. At this table sit Ethiopians, Russians, religious and Haredi Jews, right-wingers, and maybe even left-wingers, because in war no one asked questions – who's left-wing, who observes Shabbat, and who doesn't. Therefore, I'm asking the people of Israel to stop the division among us. That's my only request, because only when we are united can we truly win."

"Just Do Good"

How do you manage to help and give strength to the families you meet?

"I can never truly give strength to a bereaved family," Avers emphasizes, "but I come to give a hug and share in their pain, always bringing a plastic bag with a picture of the fallen son – a designed and quality canvas meant for the parents and family.

"Before presenting them the picture, I check where the parents are, then I sit them down, show them the shirt with Shai's image I wear, and only then I hand them the picture along with a book of Psalms and a blessing booklet with the kiddush for Shabbat. I promise them: 'You'll see these things will give you strength,' and everyone, without exception, takes them and becomes very moved. Because, as I've said, one doesn't need to be religious to find strength in sacred texts, and I've seen this repeatedly.

Book of Psalms and the picture of the fallen son that Raphael distributes to each bereaved family

"By the way, I'm a believer but not Shabbat observant, yet I chose to establish 30 tefillin stands in Shai's memory, brought in two Torah scrolls, and I'm promoting many other projects. From close acquaintance with bereaved families, I can say for certain that in most cases, faith makes it easier to cope. It's not that they don't hurt, but the power of faith helps precisely at such times, and the understanding that there's something beyond and that we part from the body but not the soul, strengthens them greatly."

He also has a message for those who haven't encountered bereavement closely but still face life's challenges: "Anyone who feels they have troubles – they should visit a military cemetery, even just once. There, their mortgage debt will vanish, they'll forget about any marital strife, and their problems will become insignificant. Because it provides perspective. Until then – try asking yourself, when was the last time you did something good for someone else? When did you knock on an elderly neighbor's door and say, 'We're going shopping, do you need anything?' When did you check on a friend just like that, without any agenda, or thanked them specially for something they've done for you? Try paving your path with small acts, just like our Shai did, and you'll see how much good it brings."