Transforming Your Marriage: How to Reduce Conflict

One of the challenges in marriage is learning to see without reacting. A husband comes home after a grueling day, and instead of being welcomed with a red carpet, he’s greeted by his child’s diaper right by the door. He moves on to the kitchen, where he finds his daughter’s omelet still lying on the floor, and when he checks what’s for dinner, he discovers a hard, cold boiled egg—the kind that cracks and turns into “funny” shapes. The husband, sensing that the home atmosphere is partly cloudy, decides it’s time to unleash a downpour: Why isn’t the diaper in the trash? Why is the omelet smeared across the floor? And why is there no dinner? The wife, who has been dealing with the kids climbing on her all day, isn’t about to take it quietly, and she adds thunder and lightning to her husband’s downpour. A fireworks display begins in the house—a small Independence Day celebration for two. Sound familiar?

So what should we do? We all understand that living this way is untenable, yet this scene repeats itself in many homes. Is there a solution to this unpleasant situation? I want to teach you, dear readers, a wonderful phrase that can change your life. If you implement it, you will see that it works wonders. It’s worth writing in big letters at the entrance of your home: “No person has ever succeeded in influencing another through disdain.” And why? Because disdain distances, while respect draws closer. To influence, you must respect.

Many couples live under the impression that “in order to change the other, I must belittle them.” This belittling often manifests through humiliation or harsh words, including backhanded “compliments” about family members: “You’re just like your mother…” and similar remarks. One of the amazing things about relationships is that couples live this way for many years, and despite seeing that these humiliations achieve nothing, they continue down this path. Do we really have to keep living like this?

I want to share a story that answers this question. A teacher in a religious school drew a short line on the board and asked the class, “How do you think we can shorten this line?” The students offered various answers: one child suggested erasing half the line; another suggested folding it into two lines. After the children finished, the teacher said, “Let me show you a new way you haven’t thought of.” He then drew a much longer line next to the short one and said, “To shorten a line, you don’t have to erase any part of it; you can simply draw a longer line beside it.”

What was the teacher teaching his students? If someone insults you, you don’t have to retaliate. You can be bigger than them, and they will understand on their own that they are being petty. This is one of the most illuminating lessons for maintaining domestic peace, and it has the power to transform a home entirely.

When a spouse ignores our requests, instead of choosing to yell or humiliate them, we can choose a different path. We can do the action we asked of our spouse ourselves, and even invite them to enjoy the result with us. Many people worry that doing so makes them look weak, and that the other will learn to take advantage of them. However, from my years of experience as a couples advisor, couples who implemented this advice consistently saw the opposite outcome.

To briefly explain why this works: Often, a partner does not respond to a request because of hurt feelings or an ego issue, and we don’t always know how to read the situation. When we let go and show the other that we are yielding, the fight immediately loses its power—when a white flag is raised, the enemy is no longer permitted to attack. If we also invite the other to enjoy what we did, they often feel gratitude and, in turn, reciprocate.

It’s important to note that if we try this approach several times and see no improvement, it may indicate a deeper issue that requires attention, and we should consider consulting a qualified professional. However, in most cases, this method yields significant success—far more than degrading words, which accomplish nothing.

Rabbi Avraham Perdu is a community rabbi, couples advisor, and parenting instructor, and the author of On the Paths of Peace. He is also a therapist in the Hashan Department.

The Hashan Department offers services in domestic peace, parenting education, and mental well-being, with therapists available nationwide. Consultations are available via Zoom and are subject to a fee.

This is important to you and you want to consult? Call 073-3333-101 or email [email protected].