Living with a Narcissist: Essential Tools for Self-Preservation

How can one live alongside a narcissistic person? What tools allow someone to protect themselves when living in the shadow of a person who is focused only on themselves?

A narcissistic person is characterized by an exaggerated sense of superiority. Such a person tries to turn their own desires into everyone else’s needs. They seek to control the wishes and self worth of those close to them, dismissing others’ desires out of a deep need to stabilize a fragile identity. Narcissists are sensitive and vulnerable, with limited self awareness. They primarily recognize their own needs and see other people as extensions of themselves. Those who live with them may gradually lose their sense of self worth over time. How can this be prevented?

A narcissist usually does not see themselves as having a problem, and therefore, attempts at deep, meaningful conversations often lead to disappointment. They may seem to “understand,” but only briefly. They understand for a few minutes, and then return to their old patterns. Acts of kindness may be admirable, but a narcissist often exploits those who give, ultimately hurting their caring hearts.

In order to live alongside a narcissist, clear boundaries are essential. Without boundaries, one is easily drawn in and overwhelmed. It is important to learn to say, “I understand what you want, but this doesn’t work for me right now,” and to say “no,” even without an apologetic explanation, and without feelings of guilt.

In building a healthy relationship, the role is not to “heal” the other person, but to live in cooperation and shared meaning. In the Book of Malachi, the description of marital harmony is “she is your companion and your partner in covenant,” emphasizing companionship. The world may perhaps be repaired and healed, but a relationship is about companionship. Therefore, if one wishes to live alongside a narcissist, it must be on the condition that one remains faithful to one’s own needs and desires as well.

The Torah teaches, “Love your fellow as yourself.” If there is no “yourself,” if you do not exist as a person, you will not be able to love truly.

Humility, in which a person sets aside their own desires and habits, can be something beautiful, but only when it comes from awareness, choice, and connection to higher values, not from fear or anxiety about abandonment.