When One Partner Grows Spiritually: How to Preserve Peace in Marriage

“I have been married for about eight years. In recent months, I’ve begun a process of returning to Jewish observance, but my wife is not interested at all. How can we bridge the gap and restore peace at home?”

First, the very process you are going through reflects someone who is open to learning, and flexible by nature. These are valuable traits that likely serve you well in other areas of life too.

You are asking about the gaps that have emerged between you as a result of your personal change. It’s an important question, but in essence, it is no different from any other gap or difference that exists between partners. Spouses are different by nature, and each has their own perspective and way of seeing the world.

“Let’s Agree to Disagree”

To agree to disagree and still maintain a relationship of love and peace, one simple principle must be remembered: both of us are equal, and both positions are equally legitimate.

When a disagreement, or even an argument, develops, there is usually an underlying thought that says, “I am right, and the other is wrong.”

However, that is not true. We are two people, a man and a woman, often coming from different mentalities, worldviews, and habits. There is no reason to expect us to speak in the same melody.

You are in a meaningful and positive process, while your wife is not interested in it. If you want a life of peace, you can continue to grow and develop as you choose, without demanding that she change.

Choosing Your Partner as She Is

Often we say, “I want her, but she needs to meet me halfway, she needs to change.” This sets a condition and conveys the message: “You, as you are, are not acceptable.” If you choose this marriage, you are choosing your wife as she is, without trying to change or fix her. Otherwise, you are not choosing your wife, but an imagined version of her that does not exist.

Notice that a demand always sends a message: “You’re not okay, you must change.” How much motivation do you think a person feels when approached with a “you must” attitude? The human soul naturally resists attempts to take away its freedom.

The Power of a Request

At the same time, there may be areas where her support is important to you, or where you need her willingness to accommodate you. In those areas, you can ask for her help.

Pay attention to the difference between a demand and a request. A request comes from a completely different place. When I ask you, I am saying: I need you, I need your help. How much motivation do you feel to respond to someone who approaches you with, “Would you be willing to do this for me? It really matters to me.”

When Halachic Questions Arise

It is important to note that in cases where the issue is halachic and directly affects the other spouse, one should consult a qualified halachic authority and seek proper guidance.

Noa Harel is a parent coach and a couples and personal counselor using the Shefer approach.