When Different Personalities Clash in Marriage: How to Shift from Criticism to Connection

“I am a very meticulous person, and it is important to me that everything is done perfectly. Since getting married, I have noticed that my wife operates differently, and it causes me to view her in a negative light. How can I deal with this?”

One of the foundations of a fulfilling marriage is positive emotion. A positive atmosphere is built through a positive way of looking at one’s spouse and at situations within married life. When we choose to interpret our spouse’s behavior in a positive and generous way, the higher our satisfaction and the quality of our marriage will be. Our emotional experience is created largely by the meaning and interpretation we give to what happens around us.

It is worth training ourselves to see the good even in things that initially appear less positive, and to remember that the choice of how we think is ultimately in our hands.

How Positive Thinking Creates a Better Reality

In many cases, we can see that positive thinking actually creates a positive reality. Optimism is contagious. When we consistently view our spouse through a positive lens, in most cases they will respond in kind. Over time, this way of thinking is also absorbed by the children, and the atmosphere at home becomes healthier and more pleasant for everyone.

Beyond that, this mindset helps us cope better with everyday challenges and difficulties. It encourages creative, optimistic thinking that allows for more effective responses to obstacles and pressures.

Wanting to Do Good for Your Spouse

A positive atmosphere is also built from a genuine desire to do good for one’s spouse. If each partner begins the day by asking themselves, “What can I do today to make my spouse feel good?”, the day will undoubtedly look very different.

Giving Weight to the Good, Not Only to the Bad

Often, we allow positive experiences to pass by without giving them emotional weight or recognition, and we tend to assign importance to negative events while taking the positive ones for granted. When we pause and give more attention and meaning to what our spouse does and gives us, and to the good things happening in our lives, it becomes easier to feel positive emotions and to feel better overall.

A Simple Daily Exercise That Builds Positivity

Each spouse can try a simple daily exercise for thirty consecutive days. Take a small notebook and write down at least three positive situations or events from the day, even very simple ones, that created a pleasant or positive feeling. Each evening before going to sleep, read what you wrote out loud to yourself.

Through this practice, you begin to notice how many positive experiences occur each day that had become routine and unnoticed, and had never been given space for appreciation. In this way, couples can plant seeds of positive growth within their relationship.

Making Space for the Full Range of Emotions

Despite the importance of positive thinking and positive emotions, it is important to note that a satisfying and happy life requires allowing ourselves to experience the full range of human emotions. Positive thinking does not mean ignoring pain or sadness. Rather, all emotions need space for expression, from a safe place built on trust in one’s spouse and in their ability to listen and contain what we feel.

Rabbi Daniel Pinchasov is a lecturer, expert marriage counselor, and psychotherapist.