Why Should I Change for My Spouse? Understanding Real Change in Marriage

“My wife wants me to change certain habits and behaviors, claiming that they bother her and that she cannot continue living with me this way. Why should I change myself for her? Perhaps she should change herself and her way of thinking, and accept me as I am?”

Any meaningful change within a marriage involves giving up old patterns of behavior in favor of new ones. One of the most basic principles of change is that true change will never occur when the problem is perceived as belonging only to someone else. People do not genuinely change simply because their lifestyle creates difficulty for another person.

A Common Educational Mistake

Many parents and educators make a fundamental mistake when they believe they can change a child solely because the child’s behavior creates a problem for an authority figure. If a child arrives late to morning prayers at school, a teacher is mistaken to think that punishment will educate the child toward prayer. Even if the child arrives on time out of fear of punishment, his inner attitude toward prayer has not undergone a deep or meaningful change.

For real internal change to take place, the child must be helped to internalize the problem as something that harms his own interests.

Change Happens When It Serves Personal Interest

At a basic level, people connect to their own interests. Even marriage begins with two people who care about themselves and seek a partner who can meet their needs. If we do not feel that a change is beneficial to us personally, and that the problem truly belongs to us, we may agree to superficial changes that temporarily satisfy our spouse. However, we will not commit to a deep internal process of change. Instead, we will create excuses, arguments, and objections whose primary purpose is psychological self-protection.

Crisis as a Catalyst for Change

For this reason, some argue that the strongest motivator for change is crisis, distress, or a clear indication of failure, because these create a powerful personal incentive. There are also situations in which the desire for change arises from identifying opportunities for growth and enrichment, rather than from crisis.

In many cases, exposure to a healthier parental or marital model can awaken a desire to improve one’s own family relationships, and achieve a higher level of communication.

When Change Is Forced from the Outside

For lasting change to occur, something must take place for a person to recognize that change is in their best interest. There are those who begin couples therapy due to external pressure, because a spouse issues an ultimatum, or because a rabbinic or institutional authority enforces the process for various reasons.

In such cases, the pressured spouse may activate psychological defense mechanisms such as denial or repression of the problems. The therapeutic challenge is to bring that person to awareness and internalization that resolving marital issues is, first and foremost, for their benefit.

Lasting Change Belongs to Both Partners

As long as the problems are perceived as belonging to only one partner, even if the other genuinely desires change for the sake of the relationship, that change will remain superficial and temporary. Deep and meaningful change occurs only when the problem is understood as belonging to both partners.

Rabbi Daniel Pinchasov is an expert marriage counselor and psychotherapist.