Why Forgiveness Feels So Hard: The Psychology Behind Anger, Revenge, and Emotional Healing

Why do I struggle to forgive? Why do I feel like I need to get revenge on someone who hurt me?

When someone harms you, the emotional memory of that injury remains active. Each time you remember what took place, you’re not only “thinking about it”, but you are reliving the insult all over again. For this reason, instead of time healing the wound, the mind can “preserve” the pain. What helps heal a person over time, are the positive experiences they build.

The Real Reason Revenge Feels So Tempting

Because the injury created a feeling of helplessness, the desire for revenge is sometimes an illusion of “taking your power back”. On some level, revenge can feel like an attempt to repair what was damaged: if you retaliate, it can feel like you’ve restored the value that was taken from you.

Revenge creates an illusion of control and is a symbolic return of power. Even a small act of revenge can feel like a declaration of control, which can calm inner anxiety.

When the Story Is More Complicated

Sometimes when someone hurts us, the story may be more complicated. If we carry some responsibility connected to what happened, we can deny or suppress our own responsibility by refusing to forgive. In this way, the other person remains fully at fault — and we believe that we are exempt from any self-examination.

Saying “He’s the problem” often hurts less than looking honestly at our own weaknesses.

A healthier approach however is realizing that revenge doesn’t truly set you free — it only keeps the bond between the attacker and the victim alive.

Forgiveness Isn’t Giving Up on Justice

Forgiveness frees you from a heavy burden. When you forgive someone who hurt you, it doesn’t mean that you return to the relationship exactly as it was. Instead, you may build a wiser relationship this time — one with stronger boundaries and protections.

Turning the Energy Into Growth and Meaning

Instead of dumping that energy on the person who hurt you, you can channel it into something productive, such as:

• physical activity

• creative work

• something deeper for the soul: building meaning in life

King Solomon says, “The soul is never satisfied.” The soul needs eternal meaning — not materialism, and not revenge.

The more a person rises spiritually and emotionally, the less they obsess over past pain. When they are no longer stuck in the pain that belongs to the person they used to be, their focus shifts to building and working towards the future.