Why Couples Don’t Hear Each Other: The Hidden Key to Real Listening in Marriage

When a couple engages in a discussion, each partner presents their position eloquently. As the conversation progresses, it becomes more heated, with each side entrenched in their stance. Naturally, by the end of the discussion, neither succeeds in convincing the other.

How can couples overcome this lack of true listening?

A Lesson from the Birth of Isaac

This week’s Torah portion recounts the announcement of Yitzchak’s birth. God appears to Avraham and informs him that he and Sarah will have a son, despite their old age.

Avraham’s response is laughter: “And Avraham fell on his face and laughed…” (Bereishit 17:17).

Avraham’s laughter is an expression of faith in God and His promise. As Onkelos translates the verse, “and he rejoiced.” Rashi explains that Avraham believed the promise would be fulfilled and therefore rejoiced. Avraham knew that if God promised them a child, then despite their age, it would happen.

Sarah’s Laughter: A Different Reaction

In the following portion, laughter appears again — this time from Sarah. Upon hearing the news, she laughs inwardly: “And Sarah laughed within herself…” (Bereishit 18:12).

Unlike Avraham, Sarah’s laughter seems to express doubt that she would indeed merit having a child. According to Rashi, her reaction reflects disbelief.

Which approach is more correct — the one that believes immediately, or the one that questions?

Understanding Sarah’s Perspective

At first glance, the answer seems obvious. Avraham’s laughter reflects a simple truth: the Creator of the world can do whatever He wills, and His promises will surely be fulfilled.

How is it possible that Sarah, our matriarch, failed to believe in God’s promise?

The Sforno explains that Sarah heard the news from an angel, not directly from God, as Avraham did. She understood the message as a prophetic blessing rather than a divine decree. Sarah knew that for her to give birth, she would need to regain her youth biologically — a process akin to resurrection of the dead, something possible only through a direct command from God, and not merely through a prophet’s blessing.

Two Sides of One Truth

Avraham and Sarah each reveal a different aspect of truth. Sarah highlights the impossibility of the event according to the laws of nature, even with a prophet’s blessing, while Avraham embodies absolute faith that if God said it would happen, it certainly would.

Though their laughter appears contradictory, it reveals two complementary perspectives of the same miracle. Sarah’s reaction, in fact, magnifies the wonder of Yitzchak’s birth by emphasizing just how impossible it was naturally.

A deeper look shows that Sarah’s laughter was not a lack of faith, but an expression of her understanding of nature’s limits — and thereby, the boundless power of God. She simply did not realize that this was a direct divine promise.

Listening Beneath the Surface

Uncovering the truth in another person’s words requires depth and understanding. Even when something initially sounds illogical or wrong, attentive listening can reveal the logic and truth behind it.

Although we and our spouses are far from the spiritual stature of our forefathers and mothers, we can still learn from their example how to relate to one another’s words.

Why Couples Often Talk Past Each Other

Disagreements between spouses often end without resolution — not necessarily because of true disagreement, but because one partner did not fully understand what the other was saying.

When we fail to understand our spouse, we tend to think: “There’s no reason for me to agree or take their view into account.”

To truly understand what our partner is saying, we must first listen.

How Can We Become Better Listeners?

True listening begins with trust, and the belief that our spouse is speaking with meaning, even if initially it may not seem that way. If we internalize that each of us holds a piece of the truth, we won’t rush to dismiss the other’s words. Instead, we’ll try to listen carefully and search for the logic and justice in what is being said.

Respect for our spouse, and the appreciation that they are a thoughtful, moral, and reasonable person, leads us to a clear conclusion: if they are saying something, there must be logic behind it.

This positive approach opens our hearts to listen and to seek the truth in their words, even if we may not agree. Our spouse is a sensible person worthy of being heard.

When We Still Don’t Understand

If we listen fully and still fail to find logic in our spouse’s words, it is a clear sign that we haven’t truly understood them yet. There is meaning and truth there — we just haven’t reached it.

In such instances, we can ask our spouse to repeat or clarify their point until we uncover the truth behind their words.

Creating a Home of True Listening

A home grounded in genuine listening allows each partner to express their views clearly and without fear. True listening paves the way for productive, meaningful discussion, and deeper connection.

From the book “Together Through the Parashot” by Moshe Ilan, social worker and couples counselor.