Is It a Lie to Compliment Your Spouse?

Throughout the years in my work as a therapist, I have noticed an interesting phenomenon: a man knows that giving compliments to his wife is an extremely important tool for marital harmony, yet in practice, he struggles to do so.

Common arguments include:
“How can I compliment my wife if it’s simply not true?”
“How can I praise her cooking if the food isn’t tasty?”
“The skirt she bought doesn’t really appeal to me — how can I say otherwise?”

To answer this question, let us take a closer look at what the Torah teaches us in Parashat Chayei Sarah.

Learning from Sarah Imeinu: Changing Words for the Sake of Peace

The Torah tells us that when the angels informed Sarah Imeinu that she would give birth to a son the following year, she questioned how such a thing could be possible: “After I am worn out, is this possible? And my master is old.”

The word “worn out” implies: can a woman like me, at the age of ninety, really give birth? She also refers to Avraham as “old,” even though he was ninety-nine at the time.

Later, when Hashem relates Sarah’s words to Avraham, He phrases them differently: “Why did Sarah laugh, saying: ‘Shall I really give birth, when I am old?’”

Hashem omits Sarah’s reference to Avraham’s age and instead attributes the statement of old age to Sarah herself. Chazal learn from here that Hashem altered Sarah’s words in order not to hurt Avraham’s feelings. From this, our Sages derive a powerful principle: it is permissible to alter the truth for the sake of peace.

Can a Husband Say the Food Is Good When It Isn’t?

Let us return to our original question: Is it permissible for Meir to tell Galit — who spent hours preparing lunch, that the dish tastes good, even though it doesn’t quite meet his standards (or his grandmother Berta’s legendary meatballs)?

The answer appears in Michtav Me’Eliyahu by the renowned mashgiach, Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler. These are his words: “Sometimes it is forbidden to say things exactly as they are — such as pointing out another’s flaw when there is no benefit or necessity. At times, one must specifically alter the truth, when the truth would only cause harm. In such cases, what appears to be ‘truth’ is actually falsehood, because it leads to negative outcomes. And what appears to be ‘falsehood’ leads to the ultimate truth. Real truth is that which brings good and fulfills the will of the Creator; falsehood is that which serves the success of the forces of deception.”

Within these words lies the answer for those men who claim they cannot say the soup is tasty when it tastes like laundry detergent. This argument does not stand. When a husband offers a compliment, he is promoting goodness and peace. As Rabbi Dessler teaches, whatever leads to true good is considered truth — and there is no greater good than not hurting another person. Even if the food is mediocre, speaking kindly still makes one a speaker of truth.

Does That Mean I Must Eat Tasteless Soup Forever?

At this point, the perceptive husband may ask: “So you’re saying I shouldn’t tell my wife the truth — does that sentence me to eating bland soup for the rest of my life?”

To address this, let us preface with a short story about Maran Rav Elazar Menachem Man Shach. Once, when Rav Shach was a guest in the home of his teacher, Rav Isser Zalman Meltzer, Rav Meltzer noticed that Rav Shach did not taste the dessert prepared by the Rebbetzin. Before Rav Shach could explain himself, Rav Isser Zalman said: “You should know that I have been eating this dessert in silence for forty years — and if you don’t eat yours, I will finish mine and then eat yours as well.”

A Practical Tool: How to Improve Without Hurting

Stories of tzaddikim are inspiring, but not everyone can reach Rav Meltzer’s level. How can one improve a dish without hurting one’s wife?

1. Begin with appreciation – acknowledge the effort, time, and care invested in preparing the meal.
   

2. If necessary, offer a gentle suggestion — not as criticism of the woman, but as a neutral comment about the dish.
   

3. When feedback is framed with sensitivity, it is far more likely to yield positive results without causing pain.

• “Wow, this time you can really taste the spices.”

• “It’s amazing how good this is when it’s baked.”

Of course, couples who constantly lie to one another are heading toward a deeply unhealthy relationship and must examine why this is happening. The damage caused by habitual dishonesty can be severe and sometimes irreversible. This article is not the place to expand on that important topic.

When we say that it is permitted to alter the truth for the sake of peace, this requires judgment and discretion. In many instances, it is wise to consult someone experienced who can help a couple determine when such an approach is appropriate.

Rabbi Avraham Pardo is a community Rabbi, marriage counselor, and parental guide.