The Power of Gentle Words: How Respectful Speech Strengthens Marriage

Many thoughts and feelings are expressed in the home. Some words are spoken quietly, others loudly. Some express love, while others convey resentment. Naturally, different words awaken different feelings. What inspires us to speak to our spouse gently and pleasantly, to strengthen them and emphasize what is good in them?

Yaakov and the Blessing: A Lesson in Gentle Speech

The weekly Torah portion tells us about Yitzchak’s blessing to Yaakov, that reaches Yaakov through a complicated path. Yaakov acts under the guidance of his righteous mother, who sees through divine inspiration that the blessing is meant specifically for Yaakov. Yaakov therefore goes to receive the blessings from his father in place of his brother, Esav.

“The Voice Is the Voice of Yaakov”

Yaakov’s unexpected arrival before his father arouses Yitzchak’s astonishment: “The voice is the voice of Yaakov, but the hands are the hands of Esav” (Bereishit 27:22).

The Midrash explains why Yitzchak was so surprised: “When the wicked one (Esav) would enter, he would speak to his father harshly: ‘Let my father rise and eat of his son’s game…’ — ‘Let my father rise’ was spoken as a command. Yaakov however did not speak this way. Rather, he spoke in the language of request: ‘Please rise,’ ‘sit,’ and ‘eat.’ All three are expressions of request, humility, and modesty” (Tanchuma 11).

Tone Reveals Character

Yitzchak assumes that Esav is standing before him, yet the wording he hears is completely unlike Esav’s usual manner. They are not words of command or rebuke, but the gentle and pleasant words of Yaakov. This contrast is what awakens Yitzchak’s wonder.

The Secret of Yaakov’s Humility

The Midrash reveals Yaakov’s inner secret. His words flow from humility — from the ability not to place himself at the center, but to truly see the other person. They stem from recognizing the importance of another human being, and the importance of their feelings, desires, and actions. This awareness is expressed in how he speaks to others — “speaking in a tone of supplication” (Rashi on the verse).

Bringing the Lesson Home

Yaakov our forefather and his lofty character traits are light-years away from us. Still, we can learn from him a clear direction for proper conduct in a Jewish home that seeks to follow the path of our ancestors. From Yaakov, we learn the ability to place the other person — and their actions, at the center.

Not Taking the Good for Granted

Spouses do many good things for one another. Of course, there is also listening and emotional attentiveness. Do we take all of this for granted, or do we know how to recognize the good, and that someone invested effort on our behalf?

Changing the Atmosphere Through Appreciation

Not everything always runs smoothly in a relationship, and there are many elements that require improvement. If we learn to step outside our own narrow point of view and look at everyone involved in the household, we will discover many joyful and positive elements in our home. If we amplify them, and place the emphasis on them, the atmosphere at home will change. A kind word, a compliment, an expression of appreciation, gentle speech, can all strengthen the good and beautiful things that already exist in our home.

The Power of Expressed Appreciation

A person who feels that their efforts and characteristics are appreciated, naturally becomes motivated to continue in that direction and to do even more good for their spouse. Let us make a sincere effort to see the good in our spouse — and to express it verbally.

From the book “Together Through the Torah Portions” by Moshe Ilan, social worker and marriage counselor.