My Husband Must Always Be Right: Understanding Ego, Self-Worth, and Marriage

I am having a very hard time with my husband. He always feels that he is right and that I am the one who is wrong. He thinks he is perfect and that it is forbidden to point anything out to him or criticize him. I don’t feel a real connection with him, because he is absorbed in himself. Why does he behave this way, and what is the solution?

When a person sees his value as a “relative value” — meaning that he measures his worth in relation to others and by comparing himself to them, most of his energy will be invested in proving to himself and to others how worthy he is. This mindset is one of the main factors that prevents healthy growth and development and blocks genuine connections with other people.

If a person believes that his value depends on his success and on how others evaluate him, he will constantly live with tension: Will I succeed? Will I be accepted? He experiences life as a survival struggle in which he must continually prove that he has value. If he fails — or even if he succeeds but does not receive the recognition he expected, he will feel worthless.

This comparative view of self-worth does not allow a person to enjoy his actions. As long as he has not achieved the desired success or received the validation he expects from society, his efforts feel meaningless to him. As a result, he becomes preoccupied with presenting himself in a positive light. This self-absorption blocks his ability to take interest in another person and to truly listen.

Further, the more a person defines his worth in relative terms, the harder it is for him to accept criticism. Accepting criticism places the critic in the position of being “right” and him in the position of being “wrong,” which triggers a sense of worthlessness.

In addition, this comparative outlook can strengthen feelings of arrogance when he perceives himself as more successful than others, and conversely awaken jealousy and sadness when he feels that others are doing better than he is. While competition and comparison can be motivating forces that help a person advance, the inner foundation of a person’s self-worth should not be built on comparison to others. Rather, it should be based on recognition of one’s intrinsic value, which stems from the unique mission that God has given each individual.

When a person recognizes his intrinsic value, he experiences satisfaction in his actions. Every positive act reveals more of his inner goodness, which expresses his true worth. He lives with greater inner calm, without a constant need to prove himself. Although everyone wants to succeed and be accepted by society, his emotional stability does not depend on this. Even if he fails, he does not experience himself as worthless. As a result, he is able to accept criticism, because he sees it as a tool for learning, growth, and self-improvement.

A healthy relationship develops between people who recognize their intrinsic value. The clearest example of this is the marital relationship — a bond in which each spouse genuinely wants the good of the other, with no jealousy or competition. Such a relationship is not built on comparisons or on attempts to prove who is “more right.” Instead, it is founded on healthy self-worth, which uplifts both partners and creates emotional stability. For this reason, each spouse should strengthen and uncover the unique gifts that God has given the other, and feel a sense of value in fulfilling their shared mission in this world.

Rabbi Daniel Pinchasov is a lecturer, an expert marriage counselor, and a psychotherapist.