Why Can't I Compliment My Husband and Kids?

I am a responsible woman who gives a great deal of herself to her home, to her husband, and to her children. I invest in the household both spiritually and materially. And yet, I find it difficult to compliment my husband and children and to express my appreciation to them. Why is this so?

Human beings are endowed with a soul, and from that soul come intellect and speech. Thoughts pass through the mind, and do not leave the same imprint as spoken words. When we say something out loud, those words become far more firmly anchored in our hearts. For this reason, a person who studies and reviews Torah aloud internalizes it much more deeply.

Based on this idea, we can understand the immense power of a compliment. A compliment has the ability to change our own inner perspective on another person, refining and improving the way we see them — even before considering what the compliment does for the one who receives it.

Avraham and Sarah: Learning to Appreciate Through Speech

When the angels came to visit Avraham, they asked him, “Where is Sarah your wife?” Avraham answered, “She is in the tent.” Did the angels truly not know where Sarah was? Could they not simply have said, “Please call your wife Sarah”?

Their intention was that Avraham himself should say that Sarah was in the tent — an illustration of her modesty by not presenting herself when guests arrive. By hearing his own words, Avraham would come to honor and appreciate his wife even more.

Why Emotional Kindness Is So Challenging

The Maharsha teaches (Sukkah 49b): “Acts of kindness are greater than charity, for kindness is performed with one’s body, while charity is given only with one’s money.” It therefore tends to be easier to give money to someone in need, rather than to help them emotionally.

Even within kindness itself, it is sometimes easier to help physically than to offer emotional kindness. A kind word, a smile, or a warm expression, can feel like great mountains to overcome, despite the minimal technical effort they require. Precisely because they are difficult, such acts are considered in Heaven to be genuine and immensely valuable kindness.

Compliments as Emotional Fuel

A compliment does not only benefit the one who speaks it, but it is also received with joy by the one who hears it. Compliments build the recipient and infuse them with strength, helping them cope with life’s challenges.

Being that compliments act as positive emotional fuel, there is no reason to hold back. Moreover, a home filled with affirming words conveys powerful educational messages to all family members, teaching them to behave this way toward others and thereby increasing love between people.

The Talmud (Bava Batra 9b) states: “One who gives a coin to a poor person is blessed with six blessings, but one who comforts them with words is blessed with eleven.” Why? Because the effort required to offer a smile and instill hope in the heart of the poor is greater than giving charity without emotional connection.

The same is true within the home: a woman can perform countless acts of kindness throughout the day when they are accompanied by a pleasant demeanor. Even though a woman may be busy and sometimes lack the energy to smile or offer a compliment, if she truly understood how much kindness lies in a smile and a good word, she would view these acts in a very different light.

Rabbi Daniel Pinchasov is an expert marriage counselor and psychotherapist.