Why So Many Marriages End in Divorce: The Emotional Breakdown That Comes First

Statistics show that even after many years of marriage, there is no guarantee of staying together. Often, before any physical divorce takes place, there is usually an emotional divorce that is caused by slow disconnection between the partners.

What Causes a Relationship to Collapse?

The Hebrew word for divorce, “gerushin”, comes from the root letters גרש. Interestingly, when the letters are rearranged, they form the words “gesher” (bridge) and “regesh” (emotion).

In the materialistic society we live in, influenced by Western conceptual culture, almost every action we take must answer one question: What do I gain from this? Everything begins and ends with personal advancement and the pursuit of interests.

Under the pressure of a mechanistic and materialistic society, we are “trained” to define ourselves only in external, material term, such as “I am my academic achievements,” “I am my money”, “I am my car.”

We have learned to define ourselves solely on external, technical, cold, and alienating criteria, and as a result, we define others around us in the same way.

Our self-definition is reduced to viewing ourselves as purely physical beings, and from there begins the destructive impact on our lives and on marital and interpersonal communication.

We do not truly examine a person’s inner essence, nor do we understand that each individual is filled with rich inner content. As a result, it becomes very difficult to answer questions such as: “Why did I really marry him or her?” or “Who is he or she, really?”

These questions often arise after many years at best, and at worst, less than a decade after the wedding, according to studies.

As long as the external trigger that caused me to connect to my spouse still exists, it may be reason enough to stay. However, that often gives the relationship a shallow, surface-level dimension that eventually leads to its collapse. Once that external factor disappears, I disappear with it.

As human beings, we are not made of matter alone. We are composed primarily of emotional and psychological layers. Each of us carries deep, unique inner content that distinguishes us from others.

We are not purely rational beings, and many relationships were not formed on a rational basis at all. If we did not properly build a bridge to emotion, that connects us to the inner essence of the person standing before us — we will eventually discover that over time the bridge collapses, and we find ourselves falling into a very painful abyss.

How Do We Build This Bridge?

First and foremost, awareness and understanding of how things truly work at their root, is essential. Equally important is self-awareness. If I believe that I am nothing more than my external image, then I have not yet begun to know myself, and I will inevitably relate to my spouse in the same way.

A person must recognize that beyond material needs, there exists an entire hidden world of beliefs, perceptions, emotions, sensations, and experiences that are inseparable from their personality. A person must understand that they are filled with deep, rich inner content, that they possess a Divine spark, and that they carry spiritual energy, unique desires, and inner depth.

Without developing self-awareness, a person lives with internal contradictions: 

• At times acting from maturity, at other times from the “inner child.” 
• At times trying to please others, at other times acting purely from inner desire.
• At times choosing to be authentic, at other times acting artificially.

Without inner work, and the ability to derive a sense of existence and worth from within oneself, a person will unconsciously rely on others — or on their spouse, to supply that sense of value.

As long as a person does not know themselves from within and connect to their identity, they will also fail to truly know the person standing opposite them. The relationship then remains shallow and technical.

Remaining in such a relationship over time creates emotional alienation and distance — what professionals refer to as “emotional divorce.”

Emotional divorce occurs when each partner realizes that their emotional needs are not being met within the relationship. They may have their material needs met, though even those could often be met independently. What is missing is a sense of existence, appreciation, belonging, security, and emotional attention. Slowly, emotional disengagement sets in, until it culminates in a rational, conscious justification for divorce, even though it began as an emotional and subconscious experience of unmet inner needs.

When a person understands that their true essence does not begin and end with the material, and that they possess an inner world of desires and meaning, they also recognize that their spouse is built the same way.

The bridge is built through recognition and understanding that we are beings of inner depth. Once this becomes an internal truth, I can begin to connect to my spouse emotionally and essentially. The bridge allows me to step outside of myself and make space within my awareness for the other.

I begin to see my spouse for who they truly are — not only as a collection of external data such as appearance, status, or money, but as a being with a rich and profound inner world. I give that world space within me, seek to understand it from their perspective, and connect to them in a more complete and authentic way.

Divorce happens when we rearrange the letters from emotion (regesh) to divorce (geresh); when we stray from the original plan to connect to the emotional and essential content of the other.

The bridge to emotion must be built from the outset and continually reinforced. Otherwise, we unconsciously nurture emotional detachment, which leads to the collapse of the bridge — and ultimately to separation justified by logic alone.

Inbal Elhayani, M.A., is a certified therapist specializing in NLP, mindfulness, and guided imagery.