The First Year of Marriage: From Shattered Dreams to Emotional Maturity

Almost all couples agree that the first year of marriage was the most difficult. Many dreams were shattered during that year, and negative behavioral patterns were formed. Why does this happen?

A man and a woman are two individuals who differ from one another in almost every area: the way they think, the way they speak, and the way they respond to events. When they come from different backgrounds and upbringings, these differences become even more pronounced.

For this reason, each spouse enters marriage with certain dreams and expectations, including what the relationship will look like, what they want to receive from marriage, how the home will appear physically and spiritually, which roles each partner will take upon themselves, and which roles they expect their spouse to fulfill. In many cases, reality does not match the dream at all, nor the many expectations that were attached to marriage.

Moreover, many couples get married before they have actually acquired the necessary abilities and skills for married life. These include skills such as compromise, restraint, contentment with what one has, consideration for the other, household management, budgeting and financial responsibility, delaying gratification, gratitude, and effective problem-solving. The absence of these skills becomes especially apparent at the beginning of marriage.

During the engagement period, many couples are focused on how they can make their partner happy. After the wedding, however, a process of expectation often begins. Naturally, this way of thinking draws corresponding emotions and behaviors.

It is important to understand that our personal expectations are formed by a mental script that is embedded in our minds at an early age, through parents and society. These messages can be positive or negative, and they significantly influence our behavior. The first year of marriage provides a wonderful opportunity to pause and change beliefs and patterns that existed within us and led to certain behaviors and expectations.

At every moment, we have the ability to change thoughts that do not support us or our relationship, allowing us to live better lives. If we feel hurt, humiliated, or unappreciated, we have the ability to decide not to engage with those thoughts, which are often only products of our imagination. Instead, we can choose thoughts that support and empower us, helping us view our spouse with a positive eye and see the relationship as supportive, accepting, and constructive.

When we develop awareness of who we truly are, we can discover which beliefs we acquired and were shaped by, and work to change those that do not serve us. This can prevent us from feeling that “we are not good enough” or that “we are not worthy of unconditional love.”

From this place, we can arrive at a positive outlook toward ourselves and those around us, rather than living with constant expectations of our spouse and feeling disappointed when those expectations are not met. From here, with God’s help, we can reach a form of communication characterized by listening, acceptance, and understanding — allowing us to learn, truly know one another, and adapt.

Rabbi Daniel Pinchasov is a lecturer, expert marriage counselor, and psychotherapist.