Household Responsibility in Marriage: Why Appreciation Matters More Than Obligation

I feel that my husband acts as if he is doing me a favor when he helps around the house, and he conveys that he is not obligated to take part in household tasks. I don’t understand him, because a husband is obligated to help his wife. Is that not true?

With your permission, I will take an example from childrearing. A child has a unique personality, and I must relate to that personality and educate him from within it, rather than trying to educate him against his nature which will not work, as King Solomon, the wisest of men, said: “Train a child according to his way.” In the same way, we must recognize that God created masculine and feminine personalities very differently. A woman is built more for marriage than a man, because God embedded in her a partnership oriented soul. She is therefore more connected to the home and to the children than the husband. When there is tension between the spouses, the husband often withdraws and does not cooperate, while the woman continues to clean, cook, organize, and take care of all the needs of the home.

Even without a “thank you” from her husband, the woman continues to do everything for the sake of the home. Even though appreciation would make her happy and give her great strength, she will still continue even without it, because this is her very essence. As a result, when she does receive a “thank you” from her husband, she interprets it as: “My husband noticed how much effort I put in, that it was hard for me, and that I did it for him anyway.”

The man, however, does not possess the same partnership oriented soul, and he is not as connected to action and household responsibilities as the woman. Therefore, when the husband hears “thank you,” he interprets it as: “They are thanking me for something I was not necessarily obligated to do, and it is nice of me that I did it.”

As a result, he feels like a volunteer in the home and does not feel a sense of obligation, in certain respects, toward his wife and the household. God intentionally created the man this way in order to challenge the woman to be “a helper” to him, and to lead him correctly according to his nature toward proper action, full partnership, and a sense of responsibility no less than hers.

This is achieved when the woman gives him the feeling that he is acting as a volunteer, in line with his personality. This is expressed through appreciation for every action he takes, strengthening his efforts, and certainly not criticizing him, even if he did not do things perfectly. It also includes giving him genuine compliments whenever possible for his help to the home, his wife, and the children, because he needs this at the deepest emotional level. This encourages him to become a full partner in the home, even though it goes against his natural tendencies.

Although the husband is indeed obligated to shoulder responsibility for the home, his wife, and the children, if he feels or is made to feel that he is obligated, then we are acting against his personality, which will cause him to shut down and stop cooperating. It should be noted that in more severe situations, such as forcing the husband to feel obligated through criticism or accusations, this can lead to a deterioration in the marriage and even to divorce, as happens in many families.

Rabbi Daniel Pinchasov is an expert marriage counselor and psychotherapist.