How Low Self Esteem Damages Relationships and What You Can Do to Heal It

The most basic need of a human being is to feel loved, and deserving of love. Individuals who suffer from low self esteem often lack self confidence and question if they are worthy of love, and may desperately seek reassurance and “proof” of love. In many cases, they interpret the behavior and responses of those around them in a negative light.

Low Self Esteem and Interpersonal Relationships

There is a clear connection between low self esteem and the quality of interpersonal relationships. In general, people with low self esteem tend to have poorer quality relationships than those with high self esteem. Their relationships are often marked by emotional distance, difficulty trusting, suspicion, conflict, and ambivalence. They do not feel interesting or attractive, and they project this feeling outward. Low self esteem can poison even relationships that have positive potential.

Low Self Esteem in Marriage

In marriage, low self esteem makes the relationship more difficult. When we value ourselves, we are capable of maintaining a healthy marriage that is free of ongoing conflict and unresolved emotional baggage.

Much of our ability to give to others is rooted in our level of self esteem. A person with low self esteem is unlikely to believe or feel that they have anything to give. Instead, they often want only to receive. This is because they feel that their worth depends solely on the other person, on the warmth or love they receive from them.

How Self Esteem Shapes Perception

Research on self esteem and its impact on interpersonal relationships indicates that regardless of a person’s level of self esteem, they tend to assume that others see them the same way they see themselves. People with high self confidence assume others recognize the same positive traits they see in themselves. By contrast, those with low self esteem are far less certain that others view them positively.

They project their own feelings and thoughts onto others and live with constant doubt about how valued and loved they are, and whether others truly want to maintain a long term relationship with them. They are often characterized by suspicion, aggression, social anxiety, and avoidance of relationships. Often, due to fear of painful new experiences, their social and interpersonal activity becomes very limited.

Emotional Vulnerability Within the Relationship

If we look deeply and honestly within ourselves, we will find areas in which we see ourselves as inferior or lacking value in some way. This can cause us to feel hurt by our partner, disappointed when they do not show us enough appreciation or attention, and at times even genuinely afraid of the day they might leave.

A person with low self esteem in a relationship may be constantly preoccupied with how much they can trust their partner, which leads to a marriage characterized by tension and constant evaluation. How much does he love me? How much does she really want what is best for me? Can I fully trust?

When we have healthy self esteem and trust ourselves, we do not allow fears and anxieties to take control. It is possible that many of the arguments we experience, which diminish our enjoyment of the relationship, actually stem from living in this constant state of tension.

Creating a Breakthrough in Low Self Esteem

To create change, it is important to establish inner understanding and beliefs that lead to a solid foundation of healthy self esteem.

This is achieved by understanding the basic factors that cause self esteem to be low. We must begin to explore and deeply understand the reasons we think and feel the way we do about ourselves.

Mindfulness and awareness techniques can help us identify the emotions underlying these thoughts. Through exploration and deeper understanding of those emotions, they begin to dissolve and lose their power in the light of insight.

There is no person who cannot begin inner work, explore themselves, remove inner barriers, and build a level of self esteem that allows them to live with an open heart. In many cases, professional support is needed to release the blocks that influence our sense of self worth.

Our self esteem has a direct impact on our relationships. In an attempt to fill an emotional void, we turn outward and seek constant validation for our existence. This becomes a source of negative emotions and relationship difficulties. Placing our self worth in the hands of others is emotionally risky, because it leaves us dependent on constant positive or negative feedback from our environment. Without it, we struggle to function.

To improve self image and self worth, a person must know themselves well and understand their patterns of thinking and behavior, as well as the impact these patterns have on relationships and on life in general. Otherwise, negative behaviors and interpretations will continue, along with a lack of understanding of their role in personal change. People can become trapped within their self perception. If they do not choose to change, this can become a sort of “comfortable habit.” While we cannot change our past, we can take responsibility for our present and make changes in how we perceive ourselves and the way we interpret the world.

Avraham Shaharbani is a couples and family counselor, an addiction therapist, a lecturer in the field of family relationships, and a member of the Israeli Association for Couples and Family Counseling.