Marriage With Purpose: How a Shared Mission Transforms a Relationship

Marriage contains endless possibilities. It can be a warm and understanding relationship, a partnership based on cooperation, and one that carries a meaningful message for the entire nation.

Yaakov’s Departure and the Spiritual Impact of a Righteous Person

Yaakov our forefather sets out on a new journey, to the home of his mother’s brother, Lavan. The Torah describes this moment: “And Yaakov went out from Be’er Sheva…” (Bereishit 28:10). The Midrash asks: Why does the Torah emphasize where Yaakov left from, instead of simply stating that he went to Charan?

The Midrash explains that the Torah wishes to teach us that the departure of a righteous person from his place affects the place he leaves behind. He leaves a spiritual void: when the righteous person is in the city, he is its glory, its splendor, and its beauty. When he leaves, the glory departs, the splendor departs, and the beauty departs.

Why Only Yaakov’s Departure Is Emphasized

The author of the Kli Yakar raises a question based on this Midrash. Why is this idea mentioned specifically regarding Yaakov? After all, his forefathers Avraham and Yitchak also wandered from place to place. Surely the same could be said about them and the importance of a righteous person to his surroundings.

The Kli Yakar explains that Avraham and Yitzchak left behind only wicked people. Not only did those people fail to feel the great spiritual loss, they were actually happy that these righteous individuals had finally left their city. As a result, their departure made no impression. Yaakov, however, left behind righteous people who truly felt the absence of his remarkable presence. When a person leaves a place where righteous people remain, his departure is deeply felt. The righteous who stay behind find the separation difficult, because they took pleasure in his presence. The merit of a few performing a mitzvah is not comparable to the merit of many performing it together.

The Secret World of the Righteous

This idea is striking. Our sages say that every craftsman dislikes those who practice the same craft, meaning that people often resent their competitors and are pleased when they leave. Seemingly, a righteous person should also rejoice when his “competitors” diminish, just like anyone else.

Here we uncover a special secret from the inner world of the righteous. An ordinary person is often focused on personal success, and therefore may resent anyone who interferes with being the best in their field. A righteous person, however, does not think in terms of personal success but of sanctifying God’s name. This is an arena with no competition, because the goal itself is what matters, not who accomplishes it. As a result, the righteous person loves anyone who helps and partners in achieving that shared goal.

The Partnership of Marriage

From this we learn a crucial principle for building a personal home. Marriage and the household can and should function smoothly when spouses cooperate and support one another in the daily tasks assigned to each individual and to both together. At the same time, above the routine functioning of the home, there must be clarity about the greater purpose for which the couple married.

Beyond shared responsibilities, there should be an overarching sense of togetherness, of joint creation.

Remembering the Greater Purpose

Sometimes, amid the constant demands of daily life, spouses forget that they are engaged in something much larger: a shared spiritual creation, the building of a Jewish home. When couples internalize this awareness, it allows them to carry the responsibilities of the household with greater joy. The sense of togetherness grows stronger, and the desire to act as a team, as one unified unit, intensifies.

Choosing a Shared Mission

A home can be given even deeper meaning when the couple chooses a “core mission” for their household. This mission stands like a pillar of fire at the head of the camp, illuminating the path forward.

That core mission might be to build a home of Torah, to be a home of kindness, to engage in communal needs, or similar goals. The mission a couple chooses can certainly be rooted in their existing work and daily pursuits. There is no need to add more tasks to an already full life. All that is required is to give value and meaning to what is already being done and to act toward its fulfillment.

A shared, value driven mission allows spouses to redefine their marriage. Not merely as cooperative partners, but as a couple working together as one team, one unified unit, for the sanctification of God’s name.

From the book Together Through the Torah Portions by Moshe Ilan, social worker and marriage counselor.