Stop Comparing Your Marriage: Why Every Home Has Its Own Unique Path

A couple can be living a peaceful life, yet from time to time, remarks are made such as, “At the Cohens’ house everything is always so organized,” or “My brother in law Sam always fixes everything his wife needs, and so quickly,” or, “Did you see how your sister Dina manages to raise all ten of her children, be a lawyer, and still remain so relaxed?” Statements like these leave the criticized spouse, or the relationship itself, with a feeling of not being good enough.

Joseph’s Sudden Release From Prison

The Torah portion of Mikeitz opens with the surprising release of Yosef from prison. After spending twelve years incarcerated, he is suddenly summoned for a conversation with the most powerful king of the ancient world, Pharaoh, king of Egypt. That conversation, as we know, led to Yosef’s appointment as Pharaoh’s viceroy.

Midrash Rabbah pauses on the opening words of the portion: “And it was at the end of two years.” Why does the Torah emphasize the final two years of Yosef’s imprisonment? The Midrash answers by citing the verse, “Blessed is the man who places his trust in God” which refers to Yosef. However, because he said to the chief cupbearer, “Remember me” and “Mention me,” two additional years were added to his imprisonment.

Trust in God and the Cost of Relying on Others

The Midrash teaches that Yosef erred by asking the chief cupbearer for help. In doing so, he demonstrated a lack of trust in the Creator to release him from prison, placing his confidence in a human being instead. His punishment was measure for measure. For each time he asked to be remembered, one year of forgetfulness by the cupbearer was decreed, resulting in another year in prison.

These words of the Midrash are puzzling. At first, the Midrash describes Yosef as “blessed is the man who places his trust in God,” portraying him as someone with complete faith. Immediately afterward, it describes him as lacking trust in God, which was the very reason for his punishment. How can these two descriptions coexist?

Joseph’s Unique Spiritual Level

The Shem MiShmuel explains that for an ordinary person, behaving as Yosef did would be considered appropriate effort. A person is not meant to rely on miracles and must take action to save himself. Yosef however, was different. Precisely because he possessed such a high level of faith and absolute trust that God would save him, any effort on his part, even the smallest, was considered inappropriate.

Yosef’s attempt to seek human assistance was a shortcoming only because of his exceptional spiritual level. The Midrash teaches that his punishment stemmed from not maintaining his unique righteousness, complete trust that God would redeem him without any action on his part.

From this we learn that a person must act according to their own level. One who possesses the level of trust of Yosef should not engage in personal effort to be saved. On the other hand, an ordinary person who has not reached that level should not refrain from effort. For such a person, failing to act would itself be considered a mistake. Each individual has their own place in life.

Every Family Has A Story

Applying this idea to our topic, every family has its own uniqueness, and every marriage has its own character. It is very easy to look outward and comment on what is happening in the homes of neighbors, relatives, or friends. But turning our gaze outward is neither accurate nor true.

While it may seem to us that the neighbor’s grass is greener, we can never truly know what is happening in other homes. Even if we did know what was happening elsewhere, our home is an entirely different story, of love and creation that belongs to us, with all that we are, for better and for worse.

It is important that we do not focus on a partial picture, but on the complete one. Perhaps your sister in law is more organized, but you married your wife because of her strengths. Do we truly notice all the wonderful things we have in our own home before we rush to compare ourselves to others?

Embracing the Uniqueness of Our Marriage

The capabilities of each marriage are different. The needs, desires, and personalities of each couple differ from one relationship to another. As a result, the role of each home is different. Because every marriage is unique, it will look and function differently.

Instead of looking outward, let us internalize that this is our home, and begin working to strengthen and enhance the good and the beauty that we already have.

From the book Together Through the Torah Portions by Moshe Ilan, social worker and marriage counselor.