Understanding the Imago Method: A Pathway to Healing in Relationships

The value of conversation in creating connection is mentioned in the Torah (Shemot 3:7): “And the Lord said, I have surely seen the affliction of My people who are in Egypt, and I have heard their cry because of their oppressors…” Rashi explains: “I paid attention to observe and to know their pain, and I did not avert My eyes nor seal My ears from their cries.” This illustrates that true listening requires attentive presence, emotional awareness, and genuine understanding.

Marital difficulties have existed throughout history. Couples therapy, however, began developing more formally in the 1980s. Prior to that, couples in crisis often turned to marriage counselors who emphasized preserving the institution of marriage, even at the cost of maintaining unsatisfying relationships.

Today, a wide range of therapeutic models exists for couples. One of the most prominent among them is Imago Therapy, founded by Dr. Harville Hendrix.

The Foundations of Imago Therapy

Imago Therapy is a psychotherapeutic approach based on a combination of theories and techniques, including psychoanalysis and its developments, attachment theory, cognitive behavioral techniques, and more.

At the core of the approach is the assumption that we choose our partners based on unconscious motivations rooted in our “imago,” the internalized images of significant relationships from our childhood, usually with our parents. In other words, we are drawn to partners who embody both the positive and negative traits of the key figures in our early lives.

According to Hendrix, the creator of Imago Therapy, this pattern turns the romantic relationship into an opportunity to heal childhood wounds and foster personal growth. Our relationships with our parents are always marked by disappointments and emotional injuries. A romantic relationship allows each partner to develop inner areas that were neglected due to environmental demands and expectations of “good behavior” meant to secure parental love. In addition, the relationship exposes us to traits we must confront in order to achieve healing and renewed growth.

From Falling in Love to Power Struggles

During the stage of falling in love, we imagine that the relationship will allow us to love ourselves and feel unconditionally loved. When this stage ends, we begin to realize that the very traits we were drawn to because of our childhood deficiencies are the same traits that make daily life difficult.

For example, a woman who grew up in a home without clear boundaries, with parents perceived as weak, may fall in love with a strong and authoritative man. After the infatuation phase, that same man may be experienced as rigid and controlling.

As a result, disappointment and frustration emerge when our partner does not fully meet our needs, and power struggles develop. This stage appears in every relationship. In some cases, it can disrupt or even destroy the partnership. In others, it becomes the foundation for personal and relational growth. Imago Therapy is designed for couples whose relationship has been damaged by power struggles and aims to transform these struggles into a driving force for growth rather than a destructive one.

The Imago Technique

The central technique in Imago Therapy is the “Intentional Dialogue,” which guides couples to create communication based on true listening rather than mere hearing. Through this dialogue, couples learn to turn their conversations into meaningful exchanges in which both partners, speaker and listener, participate actively.

Partners learn to express empathy and to validate each other’s words, enabling genuine listening and the ability to repair misunderstandings when messages are not received accurately.

True listening allows each partner to better understand why certain traits of their partner are difficult for them and how to respond in a more forgiving and accepting way. Alongside building and practicing the Intentional Dialogue, couples also acquire various behavioral techniques to improve their relationship.

Rabbi Aharon Schachter is a relationship therapy expert.