Returning to Judaism Without Losing Family Peace

Some of us were born and raised in homes that observed Torah and mitzvot, while others came to Judaism later in life and grew stronger as part of a personal or family journey. Most individuals who return to observance, find themselves in a different spiritual place than their family members and friends. What is the correct way to deal with gaps in outlook, values, and religious practice?

The Importance of Peace

Our sages taught: “There is no vessel that holds blessing for Israel except peace,” “Great is peace, and discord is despised,” and “Torah scholars increase peace in the world.” 

The central principle that should guide us is to focus on our own service of God. We have no control or choice over the spiritual journey of others, beyond some influence. For that influence to be accepted, we must act with pleasantness, set a personal example, and approach others calmly and respectfully.

Beware of Anger

Arguments and attempts to convince others often increase feelings of separation and distance. If we wish to introduce new forms of observance in the home and family members resist, there are practical and halachic solutions. Anger and fighting are not part of mitzvah observance and are not solutions to spiritual or halachic challenges. They are simply the yetzer hara attempting to interfere and cause damage.

There are always areas of agreement, understanding, and connection, that can be emphasized and focused on.

Connecting Through Family Memories

Many parents grew up with memories of parents, grandparents, or great grandparents who observed mitzvot. It is worthwhile to take interest in these roots, to ask questions, and to listen to stories and details. Almost everyone who goes through a process of strengthening eventually discovers the roots of mitzvah observance in their family. They begin to learn about grandparents, great grandparents, and other relatives who lived lives of Torah and mitzvot.

Humor as a Bridge

Humor can serve as a powerful way to cope with gaps and tension. Care must be taken however, that humorous remarks remain neutral and not personal, in order to avoid misunderstandings that could lead to hurt feelings.

“Make for Yourself a Rabbi”

A rabbi can help find practical halachic solutions, even for issues that may seem overly complex. It is important to have an ongoing relationship with a rabbi who becomes familiar with one’s personal challenges and can offer guidance that is accurate and appropriate. There is no need to be embarrassed about sharing difficulties, as everyone has challenges. Women should also consider finding a rabbanit who can accompany and guide them.

Respect and Patience

Regardless of how another person behaves, we must demonstrate a personal example of respect and dignified communication. Through personal example, others can learn how to maintain relationships while preserving healthy boundaries.

In certain situations, it is appropriate to practice “turn away from evil,” such as stepping back slightly from conversations that may lead to gossip, while projecting restraint. In other situations, it is appropriate to practice “do good,” such as at the Shabbat table or during Chanukah candle lighting, where warmth and closeness should be emphasized.

We must understand the great importance of peace. God wants us to do everything in our power to preserve peace within the family, even under challenging circumstances. The One who gave us the test has also prepared the solution.

It is worth making every effort to maintain peace and positive relationships without compromising mitzvah observance. Whenever guidance is needed, it is wise to consult a rabbi or rabbanit.

Wishing you much success.