Bar Mitzvah After Returning to Observance: How to Honor Halacha Without Hurting Family

Our eldest son will soon be celebrating his bar mitzvah. My wife and I have been observant for over two years, and naturally we are planning to hold the event with separate seating. Our family members are opposed to this, and we are afraid of hurting them. How should we act?

Mazal tov! With God’s help, you will soon celebrate your son’s bar mitzvah and merit accompanying him as he joyfully accepts the yoke of mitzvot.

The change you have made over the past two years leads you to want to hold a separate event, but you are concerned about criticism from family members regarding this choice.

There is a principle that can help you not only in this situation, but also in many others you may encounter along your journey of returning to observance: What does God want from me?

As Jews, we have a supreme obligation to do God’s will. This obligation comes before the wishes of any person, even close family members.

It is important to note that the Torah trains us to develop values of respect, love, compassion, and consideration. At the same time, we must understand that the choices we make in our own lives do not undermine these values at all.

Therefore, if you choose to hold an event that fully meets halachic standards, there is no wrongdoing toward anyone in that choice. This is simply your way of life at this stage in your journey.

At the same time, it is important to do so with respect, appreciation, and compassion toward the other side. Remember that what may be perceived as hurtful is not how you hold the event, but how you present it to others.

If you keep in mind that your family members are in a place that you yourselves were in not long ago, and that their request comes from a sincere and positive desire to be part of your celebration, you will be able to explain yourselves from a place of compassion and understanding: “This is important to us,” rather than, God forbid, from a place of criticism such as, “You don’t understand us,” which only creates distance and division.

At the same time, we cannot control the reactions of others. If someone nevertheless chooses to take it personally, understand that this belongs to them and do not allow it to confuse you. In any halachic doubt, consult a rabbi.

Noa Harel is a parenting instructor and a couples and personal counselor.