Spring Cleaning for Your Marriage: How Emotional Renewal Strengthens Relationships

A thorough cleaning before Passover is essential not only for the rooms of the house, but also for a marriage. Just as cleaning improves our mood and the appearance of the home, it also — perhaps even more so, improves our relationship with our spouse.

“Passover Cleaning” for a Relationship

The first step is to clear out negative energy. Just as we have broken utensils or clothes that have not been used for years and no longer serve us, our relationships also accumulate emotional residue that needs to be removed. Passover is an ideal time to put everything on the table and talk about the issues that created these emotional buildups.

Creating Emotional Order

Before having that conversation, it is wise to do a kind of sorting process — similar to sorting kitchenware. Ask yourself what bothers you in the relationship, and write these things down privately, for yourself only. Once you have a list of everything you would like to change, prioritize it and decide what is most important to address first. Try to identify which issues can wait for later, and which ones you can choose to let go of for the time being.

A Lesson from Parenting

In parenting, there are many things that bother us about our children. For example, a child may not be independent enough, may struggle to arrive at school on time, or may not share his toys. You may want to change all of these behaviors, but it is clear that this is a long process that requires patience and effort. It is therefore necessary to choose one issue to work on first, and to address it slowly.

The same approach applies to marriage. When you sit down to talk with your spouse, do not list everything you want to change all at once. Do not bring up every resentment you have accumulated over the years, because the conversation will not lead anywhere good. Choose what bothers you most, and talk about it from the heart — not to accuse or criticize, but out of a sincere desire to clarify and improve the situation.

Don’t Let Resentment Build Up

Keeping things bottled up and assuming resentments will resolve themselves is a sure recipe for the deterioration of a marriage. At some point, you may find yourselves maintaining only a technical relationship, without depth or meaningful conversation. It is therefore so important to talk things through, try to fix what can be fixed, and at the same time learn how to live with what cannot be fixed right away. When you release emotional baggage, you create space for positive feelings toward your spouse.

Refreshing the Relationship

After you have sorted, shaken off the dust, and cleaned thoroughly, it is time to refresh the relationship. Just as many people decorate their homes for Passover with new items — such as a tablecloth or sofa cushions, you too can refresh your marriage, both materially and emotionally.

Consider refreshing the bedroom with new bedding, or purchase a small gift accompanied by a heartfelt, personal note thanking your spouse for who they are, what they bring into your life, and expressing a wish for a loving and successful relationship.

Creating Quality Time Together

Another important part of Passover relationship cleaning is agreeing on a shared hobby or activity that you will do together on a regular basis. This could be cooking together every Friday morning, going on walks, or any other activity that ensures quality time spent doing something you both enjoy.

For anyone who does not invest in ongoing maintenance of their marriage, the holiday of spring is the perfect opportunity to begin. Take advantage of this time to clear away problems and bring in a spirit of renewal.

Avraham Shaharbani is a couples and family counselor, an addiction therapist, a lecturer in the field of family life, and a member of the Israeli Association for Marital and Family Counseling.