The Power of Will in Marriage: How Desire Creates Hope and Change

Every couple faces real and sometimes difficult challenges in their relationship. What gives us the strength to face them is our shared desire to succeed.

Willpower is not the same as determination or persistence. Its role is to direct the forces of the soul and connect them to action. If emotions are the engine, then will is the driver.

To strengthen willpower, we must develop clarity about what we truly want, and focus on the direction in which that desire is guiding us.

The Importance of Will

Will expresses essence. It reveals who I truly am on the inside, at the level of the soul. And yet, it is not always easy to translate our deepest wishes into reality, and we do not always have the emotional strength required to live them out. That does not contradict the truth that our will reflects our inner essence.

We need to learn to listen to our will. Yes, we stumble, and we do not always live up to our highest ideals. But what do we truly want? Because what we want and believe in is who we are. That is our strength. That is our essence.

The same is true in our relationships. When challenges arise in marriage, the most powerful force is the expression of will. When we say to one another, “We want something different,” or “This is just a setback, but deep down this is not what I want,” the expression of inner will brings strength and hope. It connects us to a deeper truth and opens the door to believing in goodness.

Seeing Beyond Behavior

We often judge those around us by what we see on the surface: “My husband is angry” or “My wife is critical.”

When we make these conclusions, we forget the essential role of will. Behind every action lies a deeper desire. Does your wife really want to be critical? Is that what she believes in and wants for herself? Is your husband happy with his anger? Is that how he wants to live? Most likely, the answer is no. Even if behavior suggests otherwise, the inner will is often in a completely different place.

The problem is that we do not pay enough attention to will. We need to believe in our partner’s will and in our own. We need to believe in essence. With good will, it is possible to go very far — but we must first believe in it and demonstrate that we do.

If a spouse becomes angry at times, let them feel that we believe in them. Do not label them as “an angry person.” Instead, strengthen the part of them that wants to change. Extend a hand where it is difficult. Let them know that we see who they truly are — that we believe in their good and elevated essence, the part of them that is not anger, criticism, or negativity. And of course, this works both ways.

Trusting the Inner Good

Let us connect to our own inner will, to the essential goodness within us. Let us learn from the Creator, who believes in us despite everything, and truly believe in ourselves, in our spouse, and the good will that exists within them.

Will is the vessel through which blessing flows. Rabbi Tzadok HaKohen taught that it was the expressed will of the Jewish people that allowed the Torah to descend from the higher worlds into ours. The expression of will and faith in our inner goodness is the secret of abundance, the secret of change, and the secret of true growth.

Avraham Sheharbani is a couple and family counselor, addiction therapist, lecturer in family dynamics, and a member of the Israeli Association for Couple and Family Therapy.