When “I’m Sorry” Feels Impossible: Apology and Forgiveness in Marriage

In a marital relationship, asking for and granting forgiveness are essential for preserving the bond, yet they are often experienced as more challenging and complex than in other types of relationships. What lies behind this difficulty, especially when it involves people who share a life together?

The Difficulty in Asking for Forgiveness

It is difficult to apologize in a marriage due to the fear of vulnerability. When one spouse hurts the other, apologizing can feel like exposing oneself to further harm or losing standing in the eyes of one’s partner. An apology requires acknowledging failure and facing the possibility of a negative response, which naturally creates tension and anxiety.

In addition, the deep emotional bond between spouses makes apologizing more sensitive and complicated. When a person hurts someone close, the injury is not only to the relationship itself, but it can also damage honesty, trust, and the sense of safety within the marriage. As a result, many people fear the consequences of apologizing, which may result in difficult conversations or shifts in the relationship dynamic.

The Difficulty of Forgiving

Even when the offending spouse sincerely asks for forgiveness, it does not necessarily mean that the injured partner can forgive. The gap between the act itself and its emotional meaning for the injured party can be significant — especially when the hurtful behavior symbolizes earlier painful experiences.

Feelings of neglect or disrespect may trigger emotional reactions that are far stronger than the incident alone would suggest. In marriage, such wounds often connect to past hurts, including previous injuries within the relationship or unresolved family experiences. This makes forgiveness even more difficult. When a relationship already carries emotional baggage, apologies and the anger surrounding them operate on much deeper levels.

The Halachic Perspective

From a religious standpoint, the principle “Yom Kippur does not atone until one appeases their fellow” highlights the central importance of forgiveness and personal responsibility for harm caused to others. In Jewish thought, the willingness to forgive is an essential part of the process of repentance.

Forgiveness is not merely an act of letting go, but a path toward repairing the relationship and rebuilding trust. Here too, the difficulty in apologizing or forgiving stems from the same struggle with guilt, shame, and the fear that forgiveness may not be accepted.

Real-Life Examples

Forgetting a Birthday
A couple experienced a situation in which one spouse forgot the other’s birthday. The oversight caused deep hurt, and the injured partner felt unloved. Even after an apology, forgiveness was difficult, because the forgotten birthday symbolized a deeper sense of neglect rooted in past experiences.

Arguments About Money
A couple clashed over financial management, with one partner feeling excluded or unheard. After a heated argument, one spouse apologized, but the other could not accept it because the underlying issue had not been addressed. In this case, an apology alone was insufficient; real change was required to make forgiveness possible.

Forgiveness in a marital relationship is far more complex than in other relationships. It requires confronting deep fears and emotions, as well as truly recognizing the pain of the other. Genuine forgiveness depends on understanding the deeper meaning of our actions and being willing to change.

When approached with honesty and responsibility, forgiveness can help build a healthier and stronger relationship — not only on a personal level, but also through the lens of religious values that promote repentance, healing, and a return to love and mutual respect.

Rabbi Dr. Yaakov Arenberg is the head of the Arenberg Institute for Marriage Counseling and Family Professions.