When Opposites Build a Home: How Couples Can Turn Differences into Strength

“My husband and I are so different. He grew up in a home where the children always came first, and only afterward did people worry about order and cleanliness. It really bothers me. How can you live in a messy house? Cleanliness is also an important part of raising children!”

“My wife and I are so different. She grew up in a home where everything had to be talked through and discussed. It really bothers me. What, can’t we just let anything slide? Does every small issue have to turn into a philosophical discussion?!”

How can couples overcome their differences?

Fire and Hail: A Model for Unity in Difference

One of the plagues that struck Egypt was the plague of hail. A remarkable miracle took place during this plague: “There was hail, and fire flashing within the hail” (Shemot 9:24). Rashi explains the nature of this miracle: “Fire and hail were intermingled — yet hail is water! To fulfill the will of their Creator, they made peace with one another.”

Two elements that are inherently opposed made peace in order to carry out God’s will.

The Midrash illustrates this with a parable: two powerful legions were constantly at war with one another. When the time came for the king’s battle, the king made peace between them, and together they carried out the king’s mission. So too, fire and hail were naturally hostile to one another, but when the time came to strike Egypt, God made peace between them, and together they carried out His mission (Shemot Rabbah, Parashah 12).

What Unites Opposites

The Shem MiShmuel explains the deeper meaning of this Midrash. The unity between fire and water in the plague of hail was neither accidental nor self-serving. It reveals what exists “behind the scenes”: a wondrous unity between fire and water, for both are messengers of the Creator.

In everyday life, we experience fire and water as separate and even opposing forces. Yet our sages teach that in the heavens they dwell together, for the word shamayim (heavens) is formed from esh (fire) and mayim (water). How can such opposites coexist?

In the heavens, the unifying force is revealed: the will of God, who created both fire and water. Each is an expression of His will.

Before focusing on what separates fire and water, we must first look at what unites them. When that unifying force is present, they do not extinguish one another; instead, they complement each other, each contributing its positive qualities to a fruitful partnership.

Applying the Lesson to Marriage

The same is true of marriage. Every couple has differences. One option is to focus only on what separates them, which inevitably leads to tension and conflict, because there will always be significant issues on which they disagree.

If however a couple learns to view their relationship through the lens of the essence of marriage, they will understand that married life begins with the idea that “we are, at our core, one unit.” This perspective allows them to see the point of connection first — and only afterward, the differences.

Once the shared foundation and unity are clear, the differences can be approached in an entirely different way. Instead of arguing over who is right, each partner can try to understand the truth in the other’s perspective. Together, they can create something new, with each person contributing their unique strengths.

Instead of arguing about children versus cleanliness, they can build a home that offers both genuine attention to children and a healthy level of order and hygiene. Instead of arguing over whether to “let things slide” or discuss everything endlessly, they can create a home that knows when to let go, and also when to talk things through deeply and thoughtfully.

This is not about giving in or giving up, but combining different truths into something greater than either one alone.

From the book Together Through the Torah Portions by Moshe Ilan, social worker and marriage counselor.