Removing the Masks: How Purim Teaches Us the Power of Honesty in Marriage

Purim is one of the most captivating holidays of the year — a time of costumes, hospitality, joy, and celebration. Yet beyond the festive atmosphere and preparations lies a deeper invitation: to reflect on the costumes we wear not only on Purim, but throughout our lives. These are the inner masks that can conceal who we truly are, especially within intimate relationships.

The costumes we wear year-round are not always physical. Often, a “costume” takes the form of behavior, emotional posturing, or a role we assume out of obligation or fear of embarrassment. In marriage, this can appear in many ways — from hiding emotions to avoiding difficult conversations. These masks are generally intended to protect us, but more often than not, they distance us from the very people closest to us: our spouses.

Honesty as the Foundation of a Healthy Relationship

In a healthy marriage, honesty is the cornerstone. At the beginning of a relationship, there is often a tendency to present ourselves without flaws — to appear perfect, confident, or perpetually happy. Over time, however, maintaining this façade becomes exhausting. Inner truths cannot be hidden forever.

A strong relationship is not built on concealing weaknesses, but on recognizing them and learning how to face them together. Removing the mask in a marriage is not an easy process, but it is essential for creating a genuine connection. When we allow ourselves to be who we truly are — without filters or defenses, we give our partner the opportunity to truly know us and draw closer to us.

This requires the courage to be vulnerable, to admit mistakes, and sometimes to ask for forgiveness, which paves the way to a deeper, more authentic bond, that offers mutual support at every stage of life.

The Risk and Fear of Removing the Mask

Despite its many benefits, removing the mask in a relationship carries real risks. What if we open ourselves up and discover that our partner cannot accept us as we are? What if our truth leads to disappointment or even the unraveling of the relationship?

Unmasking exposes our vulnerabilities, fears, and shortcomings, which can feel risky. Many people fear revealing their fragile sides out of concern for rejection or belittlement. Hiding these parts, while burdensome, can offer a temporary sense of safety. Wearing the “costume” of perfection creates an illusion of control and strength.

However, this illusion ultimately prevents real intimacy, as it blocks our ability to open up and fully experience the relationship. Removing the mask may initially feel like a step backward, as it brings unresolved conflicts, unspoken needs, and long-hidden wounds to the surface. The fear of rejection or emotional pain can feel overwhelming.

The Price of Authenticity

The cost of removing the mask can be high, especially in marriage. It may involve emotional vulnerability, fear of losing security, or anxiety that our partner will no longer love us as we are. It may force us to confront unresolved emotions, disappointment, or pain stemming from unmet expectations. For some couples, this stage can raise difficult questions about the future of the relationship.

Yet this price is often temporary. In most cases, when we allow our partner to truly see us, the relationship grows stronger. Instead of hiding problems, we create space to face them together. A relationship built on truth is more resilient — even if it initially requires facing fear and discomfort.

Why Are We So Afraid?

The fear of removing the mask presents for a range of reasons. One is the fear of emotional exposure, by revealing parts of ourselves that may not be admired or accepted. There is also fear tied to reputation and expectations: concern about disappointing our partner, our family, or society. And there is the fear of rejection — what if we are not accepted as we truly are? What if the relationship is damaged beyond repair?

Ultimately, the key to a successful marriage lies in letting go of fear and opening the heart. True connection cannot exist where masks remain. When we dare to remove our disguises, we make room for a relationship grounded in acceptance, that embraces both strengths and weaknesses, and allows genuine love to flourish.

Rabbi Dr. Yaakov Erenberg is the head of the Erenberg Institute, dedicated to the study of marital counseling and family professions.