What a Simple Tomato Taught Me About Marriage

A few weeks ago, I attended an event, where we were served fresh tomatoes straight from the field, without any additives or seasoning.

I was sitting with a friend, and after a few bites he asked me, “Have you ever really tasted a tomato in its natural form, without salt or anything at all?”

That question led us into a deeper conversation about life. We realized how the tomato’s natural simplicity reflects something we often forget — both in life in general and especially in marriage. We are constantly looking for “seasoning,” for external excitement, for something beyond what we already have, and we forget that the very best things are often right in front of us.

What Do Tomatoes Have to Do with Marriage?

Think for a moment about a natural tomato, without any additions. It sounds simple, almost boring. But when you actually taste it, you realize, it’s the real thing. The authentic flavor, without all the extras people add from the outside, is more than enough.

Once we get used to that taste, we want to add salt, oil, and maybe a little pepper. This is exactly what happens in marriage.

At the beginning, everything feels natural and exciting. There are butterflies, sparks, a sense of novelty. Over time, as routine sets in, people start to feel that something is missing. They begin looking outward, comparing what they have at home to what looks tempting and glamorous elsewhere.

Fantasies About What’s “Out There”

He sits in his spacious office, looking at the well-groomed secretary across from him, seated comfortably under the air conditioner, always appearing polished and perfect. Then he comes home and sees his wife in an apron, cooking fish, the smell of food filling the house, exhausted after a long day. A thought creeps in: Why doesn’t my life look like the fantasy I see at work?

She moves in the “professional world,” meeting senior executives who are charismatic, confident, articulate, and radiating success. Then she comes home and sees her husband, without those shiny symbols of glamour, tired from a long day of caring for the children. She asks herself, Why didn’t I get that glamorous life?

The Gap Between Illusion and Reality

These comparisons trap us in a cycle of illusion. Men compare their wives to women they see at work or on the street who appear flawless on the outside, while women compare their husbands to powerful, confident bosses who seem more impressive, and behave differently.

Meanwhile, at home, each partner feels that something is missing. Men chase the excitement they imagine exists at work, and women long for the confidence and sophistication they see outside. 

These fantasies are just like the seasonings we try to add to the tomato. We think we’re upgrading something, but in reality, we’re stripping away its natural, authentic flavor.

What is the Solution?

We must stop comparing. Stop looking at what’s outside and start appreciating what you already have at home.

Like a natural tomato, your marriage doesn’t need external seasoning to be good. It needs daily investment, patience, and the understanding that the best things are often already there.

Begin to appreciate what you have — the simple moments, your partner’s efforts, the hard work they do, even if it isn’t always as shiny as the fantasies you see elsewhere.

Instead of chasing empty fantasies, focus on what you already have at home. Your marriage is like that natural tomato — simple, real, and sweet in a way that cannot be imitated.

Rabbi Dr. Yaakov Erenberg is the head of the Erenberg Institute for Marriage Counseling and Family Studies.