“She Is His Very Body”: A Powerful Jewish Insight That Can Transform Marriage

The greatest experiences in our lives tend to come as a surprise.

You can plan the most moving wedding imaginable, with a perfect singer and a heart-stirring song under the chuppah, but then find yourself crying uncontrollably on the way to the hall, only to feel emotionally flat during the ceremony itself.

You can spend your entire, carefully planned honeymoon in romantic Paris arguing nonstop, and then, a week later, on some ordinary gray weekday morning, look into each other’s eyes and suddenly feel overwhelmed with happiness.

That’s how it is. When we try to force the “right” emotion to appear, that is often the very moment it slips through our fingers.

When Emotion Refuses to Follow Orders

So much is said about marriage, shalom bayit, about bringing the Divine Presence into the home. How many talks, books, articles, and motivational workshops have you encountered on the subject of relationships? Countless.

And yet, emotion does not always obey our commands. The feeling we long for about our marriage arrives only at the time and place the heart is ready to receive it. Sometimes, it shows up in the most unexpected settings.

A Moment of Insight

It can happen during a seemingly routine Daf Yomi class at the synagogue, or during a brief insight shared in a sermon. That is exactly what happened when my uncle, Rabbi Ohad Gila, shared the following teaching.

The Gemara (Ketubot 66a) asks an intriguing question: Why does Jewish law require compensation when a man humiliates his wife, yet no compensation is paid when a poor person from a respected family is humiliated — even though the family’s honor has been harmed?

Rav Ashi answers: “There, it is not their own body; here, his wife is his very body.” Rabbi Ohad emphasized those final words, and in doing so, he paused the rhythm of our lives for a moment.

We are accustomed to the phrase, “a man’s wife is like his own body.” But that’s not quite accurate. His wife is his body. Literally. If your wife is hurt, you are hurt.

This realization strips away layers of theory and brings us back to the deceptively simple core of our instinctive search for love: “And they shall become one flesh.”

Beyond Theory: Living as One Body

Of course, to become a healthy and unified marital “body,” couples must learn one another, recognize different inner worlds and needs, bend, adapt, and grow. Some attend lectures, others seek guidance or counseling.

All of that is part of life’s work.

But every so often, we must return to this Talmud and absorb the depth of the idea of “gufei hu” — that the wife is truly the husband’s own body, that humiliating her is legally considered humiliating him.

When the Body Turns Against Itself

Sometimes this shared marital body turns against itself — like an autoimmune illness, God forbid. We don’t understand one another. We grow angry, resentful, and exhausted.

For that, there is the ongoing work of life including learning, growth, counseling, and effort.

Yet when we remember the foundation — that “his wife is his very body,” it becomes easier to forgive our shared self and to walk the journey with greater patience and optimism.

As the saying goes: A small insight for one person can become a giant step for a marriage.

Pinchas Hirsch is a marriage counselor (M.F.C.).