Navigating Marriage: When is it Time to Seek Counseling?

A woman once called me with concern and asked,
“Rabbi, my husband and I have been arguing a lot lately. Does this mean our marriage is in serious trouble?”

I reassured her that disagreements in a relationship often reflect several healthy realities:

• We care deeply about one another
• We value how our partner sees us
• We want to express ourselves and be understood
• We sometimes want to persuade our partner that we are right

Arguments are not a sign that something is broken. They are a natural part of marriage. A husband and wife are created differently and come from different backgrounds, personalities, expectations, emotional worlds, and life experiences. Because of this, conflict is almost inevitable.

There is a well-known saying: disagreements do not create tension. They reveal tension that already exists.

Our sages express this idea beautifully in Berakhot 58b:
“Just as their faces are different, so are their opinions.”

Rabbi Shlomo Eiger explains that just as our unique appearance gives us individuality and value, so too differing opinions should be accepted as part of what makes each person special. This perspective can transform conflict from a threat into an opportunity for growth.

When Conflict Becomes Painful

Even though disagreements are normal, they can sometimes lead to strong emotions: anger, hurt, distance, and frustration. In those moments, we forget an important truth: conflict itself is not the enemy. The way we handle conflict is what matters.

Healthy, respectful dialogue prevents resentment from building up. Silence, avoidance, or emotional withdrawal only deepen the divide. Still, it is important to understand that communication techniques alone do not always solve the deeper issues behind repeated conflict. In such cases, professional guidance can be essential.

When Do Arguments Become Dangerous?

Arguments may threaten a relationship when:

• They stem from poor communication
• They drift away from the original issue and become personal attacks
• They involve humiliation or disrespect
• The same conflicts repeat without progress
• They lead to emotional distance and withdrawal
• They appear very early in marriage or suddenly later in life

These are warning signs that the relationship may need support.

Why Are Couples Afraid to Seek Counseling?

Many couples feel resistance toward the idea of therapy.

Some believe that if they need counseling, it means the marriage is already failing.
Others fear social judgment and worry about what family or friends might say.

As a result, couples often stay stuck in painful patterns for years. They remain together for practical reasons such as children, finances, or shared responsibilities, while the emotional connection weakens. Only when the situation becomes unbearable do they finally seek help. Sometimes, sadly, they wait too long.

We must remember a powerful truth: marriage today is one of the most challenging tasks a person can undertake. The pressures of modern life, financial stress, social expectations, and emotional exhaustion all affect the home. And unlike other professions, no one requires formal training before entering marriage.

Don’t Gamble with Your Marriage

If communication feels strained, if conflicts feel overwhelming, or if respectful dialogue seems impossible, do not hesitate to seek professional help.

A skilled counselor can help examine:

• The nature of the conflict
• Its emotional intensity
• The timing and patterns of the arguments
• The deeper issues beneath the surface

It is painful to hear people say, “There’s no one to talk to,” or “Everything is already lost.” Just as we seek experts for our physical health, finances, and careers, seeking guidance for marriage is not weakness. It is wisdom.

From my experience, in the vast majority of cases, couples can significantly improve their relationship when they receive the right guidance and tools.

Abraham Siman Tov is a marriage and family counselor for the Peace of the Home department at Hidabroot.