Communication Breakdown: How Couples Can Rediscover Connection

Ramy and Tsila have been married for 15 years. Tsila is the deputy principal of a school, and Ramy is a businessman in the high tech field. They have three children aged 10, 12, and 6.

Why They Came to Counseling

They decided to seek counseling because they felt their relationship was slipping and they needed support to restore it. It was Ramy who suggested therapy. Tsila was more skeptical.
“What can couples counseling really do?” she asked. “Ramy isn’t satisfied and only sees himself. How can a counselor help?”

The Complaints Beneath the Surface

Ramy shared that when he comes home from work, he often finds no food waiting for him.
“I leave the house at seven in the morning and come back at six, and many times there’s nothing ready when I get home.”

Tsila, for her part, explained that when Ramy arrives home, he has what she called a “sour face,” as if it were Tisha B’Av. That makes her feel no motivation to prepare anything for him, especially since he immediately goes on his phone and continues working.
“I don’t feel like he’s even home,” she said.

Recently, arguments had become constant and tensions were high. Both arrived at counseling saying they could no longer bear what was happening in their marriage.

What the Argument Was Really About

When I asked Ramy whether having food prepared or ordered would solve the problem, he admitted that it would not. As we explored further, it became clear that the lack of food symbolized something deeper for him.
“I bring most of the income into the home,” he said, “and I feel that Tsila doesn’t appreciate me.”

Tsila expressed pain of her own. She felt her husband showed little interest in her, did not acknowledge her work, and did not participate in the household.
“He only sees himself,” she said. “I feel like a robot who just fulfills requests.”

In truth, both were expressing the same core pain: each felt unseen, unappreciated, and emotionally alone.

The Human Need for Appreciation

The Jewish psychologist Abraham Maslow described the hierarchy of human needs. One of the central emotional needs is the need for respect and appreciation. This is not narcissism. It is a healthy, basic human need that becomes especially significant in marriage, when expressed in a balanced and respectful way.

The Couple’s Dance

We reflected back to Ramy and Tsila the pattern they had unknowingly created together. Often in relationships, one partner’s reaction triggers the other, creating a cycle.

Tsila longs for emotional connection and appreciation. When she feels unseen, she withdraws and stops expressing care in practical ways, such as preparing food. Ramy interprets this as lack of respect and appreciation.

Ramy, in turn, longs for appreciation and also fears emotional closeness might weaken his independence. He escapes into work and phone calls, which Tsila experiences as emotional abandonment. Without words, both are “punishing” each other, though neither intends to.

The tragedy is that both are simply trying to express unmet needs, but they are speaking in behaviors instead of words.

Learning the Language of Needs

Once they understood this dynamic, something shifted. They began to recognize the deeper needs beneath their reactions: the need for appreciation, care, partnership, and emotional closeness.

With Hashem’s help, after several counseling sessions, they learned to speak openly using the “language of needs.” Instead of accusations or silence, they practiced expressing in simple, calm words what they were missing and what they needed from each other. They also learned tools for respectful communication that prevented anger from building up into destructive conflict.

Slowly, trust returned. Warmth returned. Peace returned to their home.

Rabbi Yehuda Rosenbaum is a marriage counselor and psychotherapist with the Shalom Bayit Department of the Hiddush organization.