When Love Hurts: The Hidden Dynamics Behind Conflict

“She doesn’t want me; she wants a super-husband, something imaginary. I don’t think such a man exists,” Ronen complained.

“What’s imaginary about asking for a husband who understands me? Who sees my needs? Who gives to me?” Tal responded.

“You don’t even want that from me. You don’t care how you look at home, but when you go out you’re suddenly glamorous and well-dressed. Out there you care what people think. Here, I’m not even a factor,” Ronen added.

A silence followed. Then I chose to respond.

The Real Problem Beneath the Conflict

“Both of your reactions stem from defense mechanisms that come from a misunderstanding of what the relationship between a husband and wife should be. Right now, your partnership is unrefined. Neither of you is bringing your true essence into the relationship.”

“Ronen, your correct place in the relationship is to be the giver. You are meant to provide your wife with what she needs. Through giving, you are built properly within the marriage.

“Today, there is a strong tendency to surrender to the natural urge to want to receive. But personal growth is about overcoming natural tendencies. For example, if I naturally tend toward anger, does that mean I should simply go along with my anger?”

“So what exactly is my incorrect behavior?” Ronen asked.

Emotional Harm Is Still Harm

“Bullying and violence,” I replied gently.

“Violence? I can’t even hurt a fly. Just ask Tal who handles the cockroaches in our house…” he tried to defend himself.

“Your violence is not physical. I know that’s a harsh word, but it’s important to understand that when you dismiss Tal’s emotional needs, when you ignore her pain and assume she is exaggerating, that is a form of emotional violence,” I explained.

“It’s such a strong word,” Tal said quietly. “How can I call it violence if he’s never touched me or shouted at me?”

“Tal, let me also explain your side. When you share with Ronen, don’t do it only to express yourself. Try to leave him space to give, to respond, to offer support. Approaching him as a partner who can contribute is what allows him to grow into that role.

“When you share your pain and he responds with silence or indifference, that experience is deeply painful for you. You then try harder to convince him that you’re hurting. Over time, you feel blocked emotionally. The natural flow of closeness disappears. You become closed, restrained, and disconnected.”

“Every word is gold,” Tal said quietly.

Words Versus Actions

“But I love her. She’s my life. I’m crazy about her,” Ronen mumbled.

“Words are not enough,” Tal said. “There’s a gap between what he says and what he does.”

“And that leads us to another unhealthy pattern, Ronen,” I said gently. “It’s what I would call emotional passivity. You want the relationship, but you are not actively building it.”

“What? I work hard for this home!” he said angrily.

“You want stability, a family, closeness. But you’re not providing the emotional foundation that allows those things to grow. I don’t believe this is intentional. You simply don’t yet understand Tal’s emotional world.”

“Doesn’t he understand? Or doesn’t he want to?” Tal asked.

“Tal, when you react from pain and survival, from anger and overwhelm, it invites the same emotional reaction from him. That intensity is hard for him to process, and he withdraws,” I explained.

“So what, should I just accept everything?” she asked.

“Absolutely not. A woman who silently absorbs everything closes her emotional world and distances herself. You need to insist on change, but in the right way.”

Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations

“And what is the right way?” Tal asked.

“Let me explain it by contrast. Closing yourself off. Holding onto old hurts. Blocking emotional closeness. These responses protect you, but they also prevent healing,” I said gently.

“How can I open up after so much pain? Do you know what it’s like to live with this emptiness for years?” Tal cried.

“Ronen must first make sincere efforts to repair and acknowledge the pain. That is essential. But there is another obstacle as well: the expectation that he must become someone completely different. That expectation creates pressure, and when a man feels he cannot reach his wife emotionally, he often becomes controlling out of frustration. He does not need to become someone else. He needs to become a more refined version of himself.

“And another challenge is when emotional needs are sought outside the marriage instead of within it.”

Where Healing Begins

“So how do we fix all this?” Tal asked.

“First, you must believe that what you are meant to receive will come to you. Sometimes Hashem withholds things so that a process of growth, humility, and refinement can take place.

“There is work here, yes. But there is also the need for humility. You must bring Hashem into the picture. He is guiding this process. Often, the belief that ‘there is no one to give to me’ destroys relationships. It feels easier to blame than to grow.

“The work begins with acceptance, not passivity, but honest acceptance of reality. From there, refinement becomes possible.”

Choosing Appreciation Over Criticism

“To open your heart to Ronen is work. You need to begin seeing him beyond external behavior and try to recognize his inner self. That awakens desire again. A man’s growth depends greatly on a woman’s ability to receive from him. When you allow him to give, he becomes more capable of giving. Try to find points of appreciation. Criticism and contempt never build. At best, they stagnate. At worst, they destroy.”

We ended the session and I asked them both to reflect deeply on what had been said.

This column is inspired by the teachings of psychologist and lecturer Orly Twito.