Stop Trying to Fix Your Spouse: Start Strengthening the Bond

“I’m struggling with my husband. I feel that he is different from me in every way, and I can’t continue living with him under one roof. It’s hard for me to accept this reality. What should I do to change him?”

Why Conflict Is a Natural Part of Marriage

Marriage naturally brings conflicts and clashes of desires, needs, and expectations. One reason for this is that husband and wife are fundamentally different. Women are often more emotionally driven, with feelings that can shift and fluctuate, while men tend to be guided more by logic, stability, and structured thinking.

Another reason is that each person comes from a different home, with a different upbringing, background, and value system. As a result, their perspectives, aspirations, and habits are not the same. When two people marry, they must learn, especially in the early stages of marriage, to live with each other’s strengths and weaknesses.

A common mistake occurs when we encounter the first difficulties and think, often naively, “After the wedding, I’ll change him” or “I’ll change her.” Even when pressure seems to bring short-term results, such change is usually superficial. Over time, it often returns like a boomerang, sometimes with even greater intensity.

The Right Way to Encourage Change

So how can we address the shortcomings of our spouse in a way that helps them grow and become more sensitive, without making them feel controlled or pressured?

A. Effective Communication
One of the foundations of healthy communication is learning to speak from a personal place rather than from blame. When we accuse the other, they naturally become defensive. But when we share our feelings and needs honestly, we create openness instead of resistance. This approach teaches both partners to deal with difficulties through dialogue rather than attack. Over time, couples learn to reduce criticism and build a sense of partnership and mutual growth.

B. Lead by Example
Real influence begins with self-change. The relationship between husband and wife is dynamic and reciprocal. One partner’s behavior affects the other, whose response then affects the first. When a person begins to improve their own behavior sincerely, it often encourages positive change in their spouse as well.

C. A Good Eye
Every person has good qualities, even if they are sometimes hidden. Our task is to notice the positive traits in our spouse, even the smallest ones, and to strengthen them. When a person feels seen and valued for their good, it uplifts their self-image and motivates them to live up to that goodness. This creates a natural desire to give more in return.

The key, then, is not to focus on changing the other, but on refining ourselves through these three principles. The more we invest in respectful communication, seeing the good, and consistent giving, the more we create an environment in which real change can emerge naturally within the relationship.

Rabbi Daniel Pinchasov is a lecturer, marriage counselor, and psychotherapist, and the author of 'How to Build Good Relationships'.