Navigating Conflict in Relationships: Finding Common Ground

Jonathan sat in the clinic, tense and angry.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with her,” he said bitterly. “Everything is bad, and then suddenly everything is amazing. I’m confused and exhausted. One moment she’s present, the next she’s completely gone.”

Leah sat quietly, choosing silence.

“Can you describe how this shows up in daily life?” I asked.

“Look at her now,” Jonathan said. “She has nothing to say. Before we came, she told me I’m an amazing husband and that she knows I love her. But just yesterday she cried that she’s at her limit and that I don’t pay attention to her. I’m not saying her pain isn’t real. I really do try. But it feels like she’s playing with my emotions.”

“You want to understand what you can do to improve things,” I reflected, “but you feel she doesn’t give you a clear opportunity to do that.”

Leah finally spoke. “I do want him to change. I just wish he would listen.”

“You’re not stopping him from changing,” I explained. “But when you say everything is fine, Jonathan feels confused. He doesn’t understand what needs work.”

“Forget it,” Jonathan said. “She’ll say she appreciates me, then she’ll say I’m wrong, then she’ll explode. It doesn’t matter what I do. Something isn’t stable.”

Jonathan sounded genuinely helpless. Leah seemed emotionally distant.

Two Completely Different Realities

“Leah,” I said gently, “forget what Jonathan just said for a moment. Why are you here?”

“Because of him,” she replied calmly. “I don’t think we have a relationship problem. He’s the one who’s constantly frustrated. Maybe he should go to individual therapy. If he worked on himself, couples therapy wouldn’t be necessary.”

I summarized what I was hearing.

“Jonathan, you feel hurt and powerless. You experience Leah’s mixed messages as emotional manipulation, which damages your confidence and leaves you angry.”

He nodded.

“And Leah, you experience Jonathan’s frustration as something that belongs to his inner world. You don’t feel responsible for it. From your perspective, his confusion is his burden, not yours.”

She nodded too.

“So who is right?” I asked them. “Who actually has the problem?”

They both began to speak at once, eager to bring examples.

“Wait,” I said. “You’re about to continue the same struggle. You’re both bringing evidence to prove your version of reality. And I believe both of you. But even if I heard all your examples, I might still remain unsure. Then what?”

Jonathan looked irritated. “We didn’t come here for you to judge who’s right. We came to fix the situation.”

“And that’s exactly my point,” I said. “You’re both stuck trying to prove your truth. You’re fighting for validation. But I’m not here to be a judge.”

The Real Battle: The Need to Be Right

“A different counselor might observe something else,” I continued. “Two people locked in a battle for righteousness. Each convinced the other is wrong. Each trying to win validation instead of understanding. And when we are fighting to be right, it becomes almost impossible to truly hear the other’s pain.”

Leah asked quietly, “So are we both right? Or both wrong?”

“I’m saying it doesn’t matter. Feelings are not court cases. They don’t need verdicts. They need listening. The central emotion I hear from both of you is not anger. It’s fear of not being seen. Fear of being invalidated. Fear of being wrong.”

They listened carefully.

The Power of Disarming

“So what do we do with that?” they asked.

“What if,” I suggested, “you tried to ‘disarm’? Not to stop disagreeing, but to stop trying to win.”

They looked doubtful.

“Our goal is not to determine who is right. Our goal is to understand each other’s inner worlds. To hear the feelings beneath the arguments. To momentarily put down the weapon of righteousness and replace it with curiosity.”

They agreed to try.

Why We Fight So Hard to Be Right

When people fight to be right, it’s often not arrogance. It’s fear.

We feel that if we are not right, we will be erased.
If we are not validated, we will be trampled.
So we argue, defend, prove, explain—endlessly.

But all of that emotional energy could instead be used for something far more powerful: openness, compassion, understanding, partnership.

The struggle for righteousness closes the heart.
The willingness to understand opens it.

And opening the heart takes courage.

Wishing you great success.

Pinchas Hirsch, Couples Counselor