When Dreams Collide with Reality in Marriage

“Keep sitting every night, drinking and smoking with your friends, and maybe you will start a family with them because you have nothing to do with me. I am so over it,” Maya shouted in anger.

“Why are you angry? You know me, you know how much I want this home. I just need to get my business together and then I will have all the time in the world for family,” Nathan tried to defend himself.

“For ten years all I have heard are words. There is nothing behind them. Endless promises. You cannot keep a job for more than six months. You promise and in the end everything stays the same,” Maya raised her voice even more.

“But I really intend to,” Nathan muttered weakly.

“Look, Maya and Nathan. If you truly want to repair and build your relationship, you need to understand deeply what is happening here,” I said calmly.

Many Desires, Few Tools

“Nathan’s situation, in Hasidic language, is called many lights in few vessels,” I explained, watching their surprised expressions.

“What does that mean? And can it be fixed?” Nathan asked.

“It is an important concept, and I will explain it simply. In Kabbalah, light refers to divine energy and inner potential. Vessels refer to the tools that allow that energy to express itself in reality.

Without vessels that contain and limit the light, nothing can exist in an organized way. The world itself exists only because divine energy is expressed within boundaries.

Psychologically, we can understand light as desire and vessel as the ability to realize that desire in real life.

Many lights in few vessels describes a state where a person has strong dreams, strong aspirations, and intense desires, but lacks the practical tools to turn them into reality. This inner tension often creates frustration, emptiness, and chaos.

It is also why substances like alcohol and drugs are so dangerous. They create an intense emotional high while shrinking a person’s ability to function in real life.

Nathan lives in a world full of powerful desires and dreams. But he struggles to limit those desires into practical steps. As a result, he feels overwhelmed and empty because nothing actually materializes.

The Fear of Reality

“What does it mean to limit my desires?” Nathan asked.

“To limit means to bring dreams into reality through structure. To build a goal, make a plan, deal with obstacles, face rejection, adjust expectations. Right now, you are living in chaos because your desires remain in imagination instead of being shaped into real steps.”

Nathan nodded slowly.
“It is true. I have so many ideas, and none of them come to life. It leaves me feeling empty.”

“That is because you are not realizing yourself in the world,” I said. “Unfulfilled desire leads to inner collapse.”

“This relationship feels like chaos too,” Maya said quietly.

“There are two spiritual models. The world of chaos and the world of rectification. Chaos is when desire is stronger than the vessels. Rectification is when desire is shaped, balanced, and expressed within real limits. Your breakdowns happen because your desires collide with reality and your vessels cannot yet hold them.

True growth begins when a person learns to face reality and ask real questions. Why is this not working. What adjustment is needed. How can I integrate my desires with the world around me.”

When Desire Remains in Fantasy

Maya sighed.
“It still feels like he is not moving forward. Even when he does something, it feels forced, not from the heart.”

“Often we act from obligation rather than inner desire,” I explained. “This happens when a person is disconnected from realistic inner motivation.”

“If we go deeper, we find something else. A desire that remains unlimited often stays in fantasy because reality is disappointing compared to imagination.

You want a beautiful family. You imagine dinners filled with warmth, vacations filled with joy, perfect moments like in a commercial.

But reality includes dentists, bills, exhaustion, crying children, tension, and compromise. And when the real picture does not match the fantasy, you feel disillusioned.

Instead of adjusting the desire to reality, you retreat emotionally. You fulfill obligations, but without inner connection. Not with your whole heart. Because limiting desire feels like losing the dream.”

The Key Is Nullification

“So what do I do?” Nathan asked.

“Nullification,” I said.

“What does that mean?”

“A person who cannot limit their desires often struggles with nullification. They feel everything they want must happen exactly as imagined. But maturity begins when a person can soften their ego, accept limits, and reshape desire to fit reality.

When a person learns to nullify their rigid expectations, they can build real vessels. They can balance desire with discipline. That is when true fulfillment begins.”

I paused gently.
“And that is where we will continue next time.”

The column is inspired by the lectures of Rabbi Eliyahu Levi.