Navigating Communication in Marriage: A Journey of Understanding

Chaim sighed.
“No matter how much effort I put in…”

Bracha cut him off, clearly irritated.
“He says this all the time. I cannot deal with him anymore. I work full time. Chaim is unemployed. The children are all on me. The cooking is on me. The cleaning and organizing are on me. Everything is on me. All that is left for Chaim is to get out of bed and enjoy the elaborate breakfast he expects me to prepare for him.”

Chaim responded quietly but firmly.
“This argument never ends. I do contribute. You do not need to belittle me in order for me to appreciate you.”

“I am not expecting appreciation from you,” Bracha said bitterly. “That is too much to ask. At least do not belittle me. You criticize me constantly. You say I did this wrong, forgot that, handled this badly, eat too much. You know how to criticize very well. But support? You do not even know what that word means.”

What They Are Really Talking About

“So you are talking about appreciation,” the therapist said calmly.

Chaim nodded.
“I understand her. She wants to present herself here as someone who does not expect appreciation, but it is clear she does. And you should know that there is not a single day when I do not tell her how wonderful she is and how much I appreciate everything she does. If I did not appreciate her, she would never continue giving the way she does.”

“If you feel that you do appreciate her,” the therapist asked, “then what are you hearing in her complaints?”

“Honestly,” Chaim said slowly, “I do not think that is the real issue.”

Bracha looked at him and agreed quietly.
“He is right.”

The therapist looked genuinely confused.
“Can you help me understand? I cannot guess what you are not saying.”

Chaim lowered his voice.
“The truth is, we have a deeper problem.”

The therapist remained silent.

The Pain Beneath the Words

“We do not have love anymore. The spark is gone. We have been married for fifteen years and that is it. We live side by side with no excitement. Nothing to look forward to.”

His voice trembled. Tears filled Bracha’s eyes.

“You do not understand,” she said softly. “For six months Chaim goes to bed every night without giving me any attention. I feel invisible. I tried to talk to him about it. He avoids the subject. He praises me in public. He buys me gifts. But when it is just us, he turns his back and goes to sleep. That is not love.”

Confusion and Guilt

The therapist turned to Chaim.
“How do you understand what is happening?”

Chaim looked broken.
“I truly appreciate Bracha. She is an amazing mother and a devoted wife. But love is not a checklist. Something is missing. I want to give her warmth. I want to feel closeness. But I feel blocked. It hurts even to think about trying.”

The room was heavy with pain. Every word felt dangerous. The therapist stayed calm.

Then he noticed something important.

A New Question

“Chaim,” he said gently, “you speak about giving. But tell me, what do you receive from this marriage emotionally?”

Chaim hesitated.
“Of course I receive. She gives endlessly. She takes care of the house. She is devoted to the children. She is a righteous woman with many virtues.”

The therapist nodded.
“All of that is valuable. But these are actions. A housekeeper could also clean. A caregiver could also manage tasks. But marriage requires emotional nourishment too. Perhaps you are missing something that you do not yet know how to name.”

Bracha looked surprised.
“What else could he need? I give everything.”

Chaim quickly added,
“Really, Bracha, you are wonderful. This is probably just my problem.”

The Protective Pattern

The therapist leaned forward.
“Chaim, what you are doing right now is defending. You sense Bracha’s pain and you take all the blame upon yourself. But if you were not trying so hard to protect her, would you still say this is only your issue?”

Chaim looked uncomfortable.
“Are you trying to make her look bad? I will not accept that.”

The therapist responded gently.
“Why does speaking about your emotional needs feel like an attack on her? Perhaps you have both been protecting each other for years. You avoided expressing your needs. She avoided burdening you with her feelings. And slowly, without noticing, you lost each other.”

The Beginning of a Process

Silence filled the room.

They sat there, thinking, absorbing, breathing.

The session ended. There was no clear conclusion yet. No dramatic resolution.

But something had shifted.

They had begun to see that the problem was not about who was right, who was good, or who was failing. It was about two people who had stopped sharing their inner world.

And that realization is often the true beginning of healing.

Pinchas Hirsch is a couples counselor.