Are We Truly Meant for Each Other? Learning to Grow Through Differences

"As a married couple, how should we deal with the significant differences between us, to the point that we seem to have opposite character traits in almost every area? Should we conclude that perhaps we are not truly suited for one another? And if so, should we separate and search for our real partner who is supposedly waiting somewhere else, or should we accept that this is our match and learn how to live with the current reality?"

The Disappointment After the Dream

When young couples approach marriage, they often carry the expectation of a perfect connection with their destined half. When reality does not align with the dream, disappointment naturally follows.

As young adults, many of us lived comfortably with habits such as leaving a messy room, speaking impulsively, or expressing strong opinions without much thought. These behaviors felt normal to us and to those around us. We often assumed that our future spouse would find these traits charming or at least tolerable. We believed that even if our partner struggled with certain behaviors, love would surely overcome them.

Then marriage arrives, and suddenly those same habits feel irritating or even hurtful to the other. The behaviors that once felt harmless now create tension. We begin to question everything. Did we make a mistake? Is this really the partner Hashem chose for me?

At moments like these, we must repeatedly remind ourselves that Hashem is the One who brought this match into being, and from above, nothing bad is decreed. Instead of drowning in doubt, we are asked to replace those thoughts with a deeper and more constructive question: What does Hashem want from me in this situation, right now?

Marriage as a Mirror

Each spouse serves as a mirror for the other. A healthy marriage is not only a bond of love but also a sacred and safe framework through which we are given the opportunity to see ourselves more clearly. The purpose is not to fix our partner but to refine ourselves through what the relationship reveals.

If we experience tension, hurt, or disrespect, it calls us to honest self-examination. It invites us to ask where we may need to grow, where our reactions might be flawed, and how we can respond with greater maturity and responsibility.

Growing Through the Challenges

Rabbi Nathan, a disciple of Rabbi Nachman of Breslov, explains in Likutei Halachot that every situation we encounter, every emotional experience, and every reality we face is a message from Hashem guiding us toward growth. This principle applies especially within marriage.

The marital bond is determined from above. Often, the pain we experience stems not from having the wrong partner, but from unrealistic expectations we carried into the relationship. These expectations must be gently released and replaced with a deeper understanding that our spouse is part of the personal mission Hashem has given us.

Instead of asking whether we chose correctly, we are called to ask what this relationship is teaching us and how we can grow through it.

Rabbi Daniel Pinchasov is a lecturer, expert marriage counselor, and psychotherapist, author of the book, How to Build Good Relationships.