Filling the Home with Light: Lessons for a Brighter Marriage

Once upon a time, there was a king who had three sons. Wishing to determine his heir while he was still alive, he gave them a task. He showed them a small, empty room in the palace and said, “Whoever fills this room completely, leaving no space at all, will be the one to inherit the throne.”

The first son brought many bags of small pebbles and poured them into the room until it appeared completely full. He called his father proudly. The king entered, looked at the stones, then poured a cup of water into the room. The water seeped between the stones.
“The room is not full,” said the king.

The second son removed the stones and filled the room with tightly packed feathers, compressing them until the space seemed entirely occupied. When he called his father, the king took a small pin and pierced the feathers. Air escaped.
“The room is not full,” said the king again.

The third son, the wisest of the three, understood his father’s intention. He emptied the room completely and darkened it. Then he called for the king.
“What is the room full of?” asked the king.
The son lit a torch, stood in the center, and said, “Now the room is full. It is filled with light.”

Nothing fills like light. Just as there is a profound difference between a dark room and an illuminated one, there is also a deep difference between a dark relationship and a joyful one. This idea is reflected beautifully in Chanukah, the Festival of Lights, whose essence is light, warmth, and joy.

A small light can become a great light. How, then, do we increase the light in our relationships and homes?

Compliments

What is the difference between a sincere compliment and an empty one? A false compliment fades quickly. A genuine one is remembered forever. In the Holy Temple, the small jug of pure oil burned for eight days. In our own “inner Temple,” pure oil represents selfless giving. Giving without calculations, without keeping score, illuminates both the partner and the home far longer than eight days.

Look for the small jug in your home. It is surely there.

Appreciation

Appreciation is one of the foundations of a healthy relationship. When appreciation is present, each partner feels seen and valued. When it is absent, the pain is deep and unspoken: “My opinion does not matter. I am invisible.”

Appreciation can be expressed in many ways: acknowledging an opinion even during disagreement, recognizing effort, noticing small gestures, and expressing gratitude for what the other gives. Appreciation is not superficial praise. It breathes life into the relationship. When spouses appreciate one another, they create emotional space, vitality, and connection. Simple words such as, “I really appreciate the effort you made today,” can empower a person and strengthen the bond immeasurably.

Lessons of Chanukah

Does a good relationship mean losing oneself inside the other? Absolutely not. Olive oil, the essence of Chanukah, teaches us a lesson. When oil is poured into water, it touches the water but does not lose its identity. It remains distinct.

So too in relationships. When partners merge too much, leaving no space for individuality, the result is suffocation and an unconscious desire to escape. A healthy relationship requires balance: closeness with room to breathe. That balance allows love to flow naturally and the light of Chanukah to truly dwell in the home.

Listening

Real listening is one of the most powerful gifts in a relationship. Everyone longs to feel truly heard, not analyzed, not corrected, not advised, but heard. During Chanukah, we sit near the candles and reflect. It is said, “The candle of God is the soul of man.” When we listen deeply to our partner, we honor their soul. And when we give that space, we often receive it in return.

You do not need to be brilliant to listen. You only need to be present. Listen to the candles in your home: your spouse, your children. They have stories waiting to be heard.

Quality Couple Time

Have you noticed how the excitement of lighting the candles sometimes fades as the days pass? The same can happen in marriage. How do we ensure that the eighth year or the eighteenth year still holds the freshness of the first?

The answer is investment. Intentionality. Variety. Couples must actively nurture their time together. Sit together, think creatively, and ask yourselves what strengthens your connection. Then commit to it. Do not give up on the effort.

Lighting the Candle of the Relationship

A Jew once entered the Lubavitcher Rebbe’s study and asked, “Rebbe, what is your role?”
The Rebbe answered, “To help as many souls as possible ignite and connect with God.”
The man then asked, “Have you lit my soul?”
The Rebbe replied, “I have given you the match. Now it is up to you to light the candle.”

Many couples receive advice, guidance, and tools, yet remain stuck because they do not take responsibility for change. Every couple has a match. Every home holds the potential for light. But only those who choose to act will see the flame grow.

Avraham Shahrabani is a marriage counselor and psychotherapist certified by the Peace of Home department.