From Effort to Connection: The Right Way to Invest in Love

There are many questions that arise around romantic relationships. Each question reveals something about the inner world of the one asking, and also about the perspective of the one responding. What connects them all is that, for me, they are endlessly fascinating.

Until one day, a friend surprised me with a question that still echoes in my mind:
"Why do we actually need to invest in a relationship?"

Something in me stirred uncomfortably. My instinctive reaction was, "What do you mean why? If you don’t invest in your relationship, you won’t have a relationship."

But I remained silent. And in that silence, I realized that perhaps this seemingly obvious statement deserved a deeper, clearer explanation even for myself.

My conversational partner continued:
"Of course we need to learn to get along, to live together, to create a pleasant atmosphere at home. But daily investment can sometimes have the opposite effect. When investment becomes excessive or obsessive, it no longer feels pleasant. It begins to feel like obligation."

"You’re absolutely right," I replied. "The kind of investment that builds closeness cannot come from pressure or disconnection. Healthy investment comes from desire. And when it comes from desire, we experience the principle of giving that generates love."

Our conversation ended there, but the question stayed with me. I began to organize my thoughts.

What Is the Right Kind of Investment?

One common mistake couples make is calling everything they do for the relationship “investment,” without checking how it is experienced on the other side.

This is a fundamental misunderstanding. It is not enough that I experience my actions as dedication. For something to truly be considered investment, my partner must experience it that way too.

How often do we hear statements such as, "Look at everything I do for her, and she doesn’t even appreciate it," or "After everything I’ve invested in him, he doesn’t even see it"?
These sentences usually lead to frustration, resentment, and incorrect conclusions about the partner.

But the truth is simpler. If the person paused and asked honestly, "Do you experience what I’m doing as something that’s for you?" they might discover that the answer is no. That moment is not a failure. It is an invitation to clarify: What does investment look like for you? What makes you feel seen and cared for?

A healthy guideline is this: investment exists only when the recipient experiences it as investment.

At the same time, there is another equally important question:
"Am I giving from a place of choice, or am I sacrificing myself just to keep the peace?"

If the giving comes from self-negation, resentment, or the erasure of personal needs, it is not healthy investment. It does not build closeness. It slowly weakens the bond.

The Frequency of Investment

One of the foundations of a healthy relationship is a positive home atmosphere.

A positive atmosphere means that, generally speaking, the home feels calm. There is emotional safety, pleasantness, and low tension. People want to be there. They feel drawn toward each other rather than away.

Research on couples who report high satisfaction shows something consistent: their investment in each other happens daily. Not dramatically. Not in grand gestures. But through small, consistent actions of care, attention, and presence.

Connection is not built in rare moments of intensity. It is built in daily patterns of mutual giving.

Why Is Investment So Important?

Investment in the relationship can take many forms. It may be emotional, practical, or even expressed through work and family responsibilities, as long as both partners understand that these actions are for the sake of the relationship itself.

There is a psychological principle known as Interpersonal Reinforcement Theory. It explains that when a person repeatedly experiences positive emotions in the presence of someone, the brain naturally associates those emotions with that person even years later.

Think of a pleasant memory from your life. Notice how certain songs, smells, or environments still awaken those emotions long afterward.

The same happens in relationships. When we consistently create moments of positivity, care, and emotional reward, we build an emotional association that strengthens the bond over time. The partner becomes linked, emotionally, with warmth, safety, and goodness.

In Conclusion

Investment strengthens a relationship only when both partners experience it as genuine giving directed toward them.
A positive home atmosphere is built through daily, mutual acts of care and attention.
Consistent investment creates long-term emotional reinforcement, anchoring positive feelings deep within the relationship.

Chaim Arnreich is a marriage and family counselor.