When the Joy Fades: Rebuilding Desire in Marriage

They entered the room almost devoid of energy, their eyes dull and tired.

"We’ve reached our limit. That’s it. This relationship is pointless. I’m not happy. I’m bored. Everything feels empty. The children have grown, so what is left between us?" she said, half as a question and half as a declaration.

He nodded slowly. "We sit at home every evening and barely exchange a few words. We have no topics to talk about. We don’t even have anything to argue over. It’s just silence, stretched out endlessly."

I felt their words deeply.

The emptiness they described filled the room and touched something within me as well.

They had lost the joy in their relationship, and with it, their motivation to stay connected.

When Desire Disappears

Willpower is the engine of life. It is what motivates action, what gives meaning to effort, and what sustains long processes. When a person acts without desire, they often collapse halfway through, because the soul has not truly committed to the path.

Every meaningful process must begin with desire.

This is why relationships that are entered into without genuine desire rarely survive long-term.

"I understand that you’ve lost the desire to be together for one central reason: your capacity for pleasure has been weakened.

"When there is no pleasure, there is no desire. We are drawn to joy. It is the force that moves life forward. So what happens when the joy disappears? How can a person find the strength to continue?"

I asked them, "Can you think of something people do even when they don’t enjoy the process, but still continue because they believe in the outcome?"

Harel thought for a moment and replied, "Cleaning the house. I hate doing it. But afterward, when the house is clean, I feel good. I enjoy being in it."

"Exactly," I said. "And this brings us to the deepest inner force in the soul: the power of faith."

The Power That Sustains the Soul

Naama reacted skeptically. "So relationships are like cleaning? We just suffer through it because we have no choice? That’s not very encouraging."

"Heaven forbid," I replied gently. "Hashem does not want you to suffer. His desire is goodness. He wants you to want a joyful, living, meaningful relationship.

"But in order to rebuild desire, we must understand how faith works."

The power of faith is the inner force that activates all other forces in the soul. It is the deepest point within a person.

A person always walks in the direction of their beliefs.

For example, if someone believes they are meant to become a therapist, they will be willing to invest years of study, exhaustion, financial cost, and emotional strain. Why? Because they believe that eventually, this path will lead to fulfillment and joy.

They imagine the future clinic, the people they will help, the meaning they will create. That vision strengthens their faith and gives them the power to continue, even when the present moment offers little pleasure.

Without that belief, the effort would feel unbearable.

The same applies to relationships. When faith in the connection weakens, the motivation disappears.

When Hope Feels Gone

Naama’s voice broke. "Can I be honest? I’ve already given up. I don’t believe in him anymore. How many times has he promised to change?"

I paused, then asked gently, "How is Harel with others? With friends? At work?"

She looked surprised. "Everyone loves him. He’s helpful, kind, attentive. It’s only with me that everything feels broken."

I nodded. "That tells us something important. It means there is goodness in him. It means there is emotional capacity. What’s missing is not character, but connection. And connection can be rebuilt."