When Pain Becomes a Crown: And Love Suffocates Beneath It

She was unfortunate.

A woman whose life was filled with suffering and pain.

What had this remarkable woman not endured? A difficult childhood, social harm, crushing poverty, and on top of it all, an abusive husband.

Everyone knew the story of her hardship. She made sure they did, sharing every detail of her life journey. Yet she was so admired because she never complained. She accepted everything with love, thanked Hashem for every breath, spoke about self awareness, focused on growth, and emphasized how she was constantly taking responsibility for her life.

People had one response: Wow.

But her husband was exhausted.

When Praise Becomes a Burden

For some reason, he was always seen as the villain. The one who failed to appreciate her strength. The one who mistreated this delicate and noble woman. In everyone’s eyes, he was the embodiment of wrongdoing.

For years he tried to express admiration. He told her repeatedly how heroic she was, how strong, how noble. But it was never enough. The praise had to grow constantly. He felt he was losing himself in the endless effort to meet an ever rising emotional demand.

Eventually he broke.

“She does not really take responsibility,” he said in therapy, speaking from deep pain. “She steps on me and keeps the cycle going. She is the victim who supposedly carries everything, and I am the insensitive one who does nothing and even abuses her emotionally.” His voice trembled. His wife sat beside him, genuinely confused by what he was saying.

“Do you see what I deal with?” she said. “Not only does he fail to support me, he ignores me, abuses me, and then accuses me of not taking responsibility. There is no limit to this distortion. I supported him through depression, through his lowest moments, when he could not even get out of bed. I am the pillar of this family. Without me, he would have been lost long ago.”

The Trap of Moral Superiority

Let us pause here.

It is difficult to live beside perfection. Even more difficult is living beside someone who plays the perfection role so convincingly that no one can challenge it. What can you say to such a person? That the home feels empty. That you feel alone. That you feel unheard. They already speak about all those things themselves, but always from the position of the suffering saint.

This woman does not claim life is easy. She speaks about pain constantly. She claims to be working on herself. Yet she also constructs an identity of moral superiority, of emotional nobility, of being the one who carries everything. Along the way, her husband becomes the shadow character in her story, the one who failed her.

So how does one help a person like this truly take responsibility? How can one explain that constantly seeking validation for suffering can become an addiction? That building an identity around being the victim may feel noble but ultimately damages the relationship and distances everyone around them? How can one encourage such a person to risk living a normal life where they are no longer admired for endurance but valued for presence?

Why Fighting Never Works

The husband attempted to fight back. He tried to expose her contradictions, to prove that she was not as righteous as everyone believed. But this only trapped him further. The more he fought, the more he positioned himself as the wounded one, competing for the same victim role. Nothing changed.

You cannot approach someone and tell them their entire identity is built on illusion. Even if they were to accept it, the shame would be crushing. And in truth, there is real pain there. Such people often have endured much. Their suffering deserves compassion, not humiliation.

Shifting the Focus to the Present

So what can be done?

Perhaps instead of arguing over the past, we shift the focus to the present.

Instead of dissecting an entire life story, we speak about tomorrow. About today. About one small step.

Do you want to feel better tomorrow? What can I do to help? What feels heavy right now?

If the other side cannot answer, then speak about yourself. Not about everything you ever endured, but about one specific moment. One specific need. One real feeling.

Do not fight over identity. Do not battle for moral superiority. Focus on the present and on practical connection.

A Question Worth Asking Yourself

And if you recognize yourself as the one who lives in constant victimhood, pause for a moment and ask yourself honestly: does it frighten you when things begin to improve? Does normalcy feel unfamiliar? Does peace threaten the identity you built around struggle?

Do not answer quickly. Think deeply.

You are always welcome to seek real help, not as proof of suffering but as proof of responsibility. Not as another chapter in a victim story but as a step toward building a healthier one.

Wishing you courage and clarity.

Pinchas Hirsch is a couples counselor