The Courage to Feel: Building Emotional Safety in Marriage

"I have been married to my wife for nearly thirty years. From the very beginning of our marriage, I tried hard to respect her and give her everything she needed to feel connected to me. Despite my efforts, my wife has not been sufficiently sensitive to my needs and has often failed to understand my inner struggles, at times even reaching a point of disrespect toward me."

"After enduring this for many years in silence, I eventually found myself unable to bear the emotional pressure. I began leaving the house for periods of time. Sometimes I stayed away for several days, simply to calm myself and avoid saying things in the heat of pain that I might later regret."

"My question is this: Is my behavior correct? And if not, what should I be doing instead?"

Why Suppressing Emotions Never Works
Emotions arise naturally and cannot be erased or canceled. At best, they can be suppressed, but when they are, they almost always return later with greater intensity. One of the foundations of healthy and constructive communication is the ability to express our emotions while also learning to understand the emotions of others.

Between spouses especially, the expression and validation of emotions is a cornerstone of emotional intelligence within the relationship. This emotional awareness creates closeness, safety, and connection. When emotions are not expressed, frustration accumulates, often leading to anger, distance, and even hostility.

The Power of Emotional Expression
The most effective way to work with emotion is first to acknowledge it honestly. When we identify what we feel, name it, and express it, we begin to create a space where those emotions can be held rather than explode. Every emotion is legitimate and deserves room. Through respectful dialogue, we can explore where these emotions come from, what experiences shaped them, and most importantly, what choices we can make to respond differently and more constructively. Over time, practicing emotional expression strengthens the relationship and builds a sense of belonging and emotional security between partners.

Making Space for Positive Emotions
It is equally important to give space to positive emotions. Their value extends far beyond the pleasant feelings they create. Positive emotions strengthen our emotional resilience, sharpen our thinking, deepen our relationships, and provide inner resources we rely on during times of stress and difficulty.

Each person is born with a full range of emotions. The difficulty begins when we reject parts of that emotional world and attempt to silence what feels uncomfortable. When we suppress negative emotions, we unintentionally suppress positive ones as well. Emotional repression does not protect us. It disconnects us from ourselves.

Positive and negative emotions are not opposites that cancel one another out. They are complementary parts of the human experience. Allowing ourselves to feel honestly is what allows us to remain emotionally healthy and authentically human.

Choosing Expression Over Escape
For this reason, a husband should strive to express his pain rather than physically withdraw from the relationship. Leaving the home as a way of coping with emotional distress may provide temporary relief, but it does not resolve the underlying feelings. Over time, unexpressed emotions accumulate, creating deeper frustration and emotional distance rather than healing.

True repair begins when emotions are acknowledged, voiced with respect, and met with the hope of understanding rather than escape.

Rabbi Daniel Penchasov is a lecturer, expert marriage advisor, and psychotherapist, and the author of the book How to Build a Good Relationship.