When Seeking Help Backfires: How Third Parties Can Harm a Marriage

Each of us carries our own needs, opinions, and desires, as do our partners. Naturally, these do not always align. Differences often lead to tension, misunderstandings, irritation, frustration, and mutual resentment. This is part of every relationship.

At times, the situation escalates into a real crisis. When the emotional load becomes too heavy, one partner may turn to a third party in search of relief. In principle, involving an objective third party can be helpful. The problem begins when the third party is brought in for the wrong reasons or in the wrong way. Sometimes, the partner seeking outside help is not truly looking for mediation, but rather for validation. Often this happens unconsciously. As the saying goes, what the mouth says is not always what the heart intends. The underlying goal becomes proving one’s righteousness rather than restoring connection.

A common example is turning to halachic or spiritual guidance. When the relationship is fundamentally healthy and there is a disagreement about a specific issue, seeking a rabbinic ruling can be beneficial. However, when the atmosphere between the couple is tense, angry, and emotionally wounded, rabbinic guidance often fails to resolve the issue. If a rabbi instructs the wife to do certain things and the husband to do others, the wife may respond, “I’m willing to fulfill my obligations, but he isn’t behaving as a husband should.” The husband will naturally make the same claim about his wife. The real problem is not the halachic detail. The real problem is the broken emotional connection. Until the relationship itself is repaired, external rulings rarely help.

When a Third Party Divides Instead of Unites

Consider another common scenario. A couple disagrees about financial management. The wife decides to consult a counselor. In the session, she presents her version of events. The counselor, acting professionally, listens attentively and expresses empathy. A simple response such as “That sounds really difficult” can be enough for the wife to conclude, “The professional agrees with me. I must be right.”

Of course, the counselor is not siding with her. She is simply creating emotional safety. But the wife, still immersed in emotional tension and a desire to be validated, hears only what she wants to hear. She is not yet in a place of readiness for partnership or compromise.

She then returns home and declares, “Even the counselor said I’m right.” Her husband feels attacked and invalidated. The conflict intensifies. She becomes even less willing to soften her stance because she now feels backed by authority. When the conflict continues, she reaches a painful conclusion: “There’s no point talking to him. He’ll never listen.” This resignation is not calm acceptance. It is resentment disguised as surrender.

How Emotional Bias Traps Us

Once a person adopts the belief that their partner is unreasonable, their mind begins collecting evidence to support it. We instinctively filter reality through our emotional lens. King Solomon wrote, “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” A person sees what reinforces their narrative and ignores what contradicts it. Over time, the belief becomes stronger, and the person becomes trapped inside their own emotional interpretation.

In such cases, counseling becomes harmful rather than helpful, not because counseling is ineffective, but because it was approached incorrectly. This risk is especially high when therapy is done individually rather than as a couple. A skilled counselor understands this dynamic and avoids validating one side against the other. Instead, the guiding question becomes: How can this process serve the relationship as a whole? Even when only one partner is present, the therapist’s goal must be to preserve emotional space for the absent partner and to prevent the creation of an emotional triangle.

True help does not strengthen one side against the other. It strengthens the bond between them.