Speaking Love in the Wrong Language: Why Your Effort Isn’t Being Felt

“We came so you can give my husband guidance on compliments.”

“Do you know what I feel like doing when she says things like that? Recording our conversations from morning until night, just so I can prove how much I actually compliment her.”

These were the opening lines from Gadi and Rinat as they walked into their first counseling session.

To an outside listener, it might sound as though one of them is exaggerating, disconnected from reality, or simply unaware of what’s truly happening. But experience with countless couples facing similar dynamics leads to a different conclusion:

No one is lying.

These are simply two people viewing the same reality through entirely different lenses.

So what is really happening here?

“No Matter How Much I Give, It’s Never Enough”

It is told about Rabbi Israel Salanter that a student once came to him and complained:

“Everything I do for my wife is never enough. She is never satisfied.”

Rabbi Salanter answered:

“Perhaps you are giving her what you want to give, rather than what she needs to receive. Know that acts of kindness are not measured by what you believe the other person needs, but by what they themselves feel they are lacking.”

This short insight reveals a powerful truth:

Giving is only meaningful when it meets the emotional world of the recipient.

Giving Requires Understanding

Many partners feel deeply frustrated because they believe they are investing, giving, and contributing, yet the other side still feels dissatisfied or unappreciated. Often, the problem is not a lack of giving, but a lack of alignment between what is given and what is needed.

This principle appears clearly in the Torah (Deuteronomy 15:7–8), where we are commanded to help a person in need according to “what they lack.” Rashi famously explains: even a horse to ride on and a servant to run before him.

At first glance, this seems excessive. Why would a poor person need a horse and a servant? The explanation is that this refers to someone who had once lived with dignity and status, and whose emotional world could be deeply harmed by a sudden fall. The Torah teaches us that emotional needs matter just as much as physical ones.

The lesson for relationships is clear:

What looks trivial to one partner may be emotionally essential to the other.

Asking Instead of Assuming

When was the last time we sat down with our spouse and asked questions like:

• What makes you feel most loved?

• What are you missing from me emotionally?

• Is there something I could do differently that would help you feel more valued?

We often avoid asking because we assume we already know. We believe that if we are doing what seems logical to us, it should be enough. But emotional needs are deeply personal. What fills one heart may leave another empty.

Sometimes, our partner doesn’t need more “practical” appreciation. They need emotional recognition. They need to be seen.

So What Actually Happened with Gadi and Rinat?

As expected, Gadi truly did compliment his wife frequently. But he was complimenting areas that didn’t touch Rinat’s emotional core.

He praised the clean house.

He complimented the food.

He expressed appreciation for technical things she did.

But Rinat wasn’t lacking acknowledgment for her household skills. She was longing to hear something else entirely:

• That she is devoted

• That she is emotionally giving

• That she is thoughtful

• That she is valued as a person, not only as a function

She needed personal validation, not functional praise. And because that need was never met, she experienced all his compliments as meaningless.

Takeaway

The solution is not more giving.

The solution is better listening.

If we want our efforts to be felt, we must first understand what the other truly needs. That requires conversation, curiosity, and humility.

Let’s begin asking the people closest to us:

• What do you need from me?

• What helps you feel seen?

• What hurts you that I might not be aware of?

Even adults who seem articulate and capable often struggle to express their emotional needs directly. A simple, sincere invitation to share can open doors we never knew existed.

And sometimes, what we discover can lead us to places far more meaningful than we ever imagined.

Good luck.