Whose Marriage Is It Anyway: When Parents Become Part of the Conflict

“Listen,” Yehuda says in our first meeting. “We’re actually doing well. We understand each other, we love each other, and most of the time things flow smoothly.

“The problem starts when Ronit’s parents enter the picture. They begin giving us instructions about what to do and when.

“Just last week we had a small disagreement about a financial issue, whether to buy something or not. Ronit mentioned it innocently in a conversation with her mother.

“Since then, it’s turned into an ongoing saga. My mother in law immediately expressed her opinion: ‘Why would you buy such a thing? Do you have money to throw away? We’ve been helping you from time to time because we thought you were struggling, and maybe it’s time we stopped.’

“My wife was deeply hurt. She responded that if that’s how they feel, they can stop helping. She regretted saying it right away, but you know how it is with words. Since then she isn’t speaking to her mother, and the tension is affecting her and our home. It’s heavy.”

“It sounds painful,” I say. But something still feels unclear.

“Yehuda,” I ask gently, “what about you in this story? It can’t be easy for you to deal with this dynamic.”

“It isn’t easy,” he admits. “But what really bothers me is that Ronit shares everything with them. She knows it creates problems, so why does she keep doing it?”

“It hurts you.”

“Very much.”

At that moment it becomes clear that if Yehuda understood how much his own reactions shape Ronit’s behavior, he might feel less anger and more readiness to build a healthier boundary between the marriage system and the family system.

Setting Boundaries in Marriage

One of the most fundamental processes when a couple builds a home is the creation of boundaries between their marriage and the systems around them.

This begins when they physically leave their parents’ homes and establish a space of their own. That step already creates a psychological boundary between the new couple and the families of origin.

As life develops, additional systems enter the picture: children, work, friends, extended family. With each one, the couple must continue shaping and strengthening their shared boundary.

When boundaries are healthy, the couple maintains independence, intimacy, and partnership. When boundaries weaken, the marital system loses stability.

In practice, many couples struggle to preserve these boundaries. They create them at first, even maintain them for a while, but at some point the system weakens and outside voices begin to seep inward.

Why Boundaries Collapse

When the marital system is strong, it can withstand pressure. When tension arises and communication becomes strained, the discomfort becomes difficult to hold.

At that point, the easiest emotional escape is often toward another system. A phone call to a friend, venting to parents, immersing in something else. Anything that provides immediate relief.

But that relief is only temporary. The core issue between the couple remains unresolved. It does not disappear, it simply retreats beneath the surface until the next conflict.

If a couple does not invest in building emotional safety, communication, and mutual understanding, the boundaries will not hold under stress.

Building a Shared Boundary

Yehuda and Ronit worked first on strengthening their inner foundation. They learned how to speak openly, how to tolerate tension without fleeing outward, and how to resolve conflict between themselves.

Only then did they build their boundary together. Not a rigid wall, but a shared boundary. One that belongs to both of them.

A boundary they decide on together. When to keep matters private. When to share. When to involve family and when not to.

Yehuda called it flexible boundaries. Ronit explained it simply: “The boundary is always there. Sometimes we keep it more closed, sometimes we allow more openness. But we decide together.”

This is what it looks like when two partners stand side by side, not against each other and not pulled apart by outside systems, but united in managing their shared world.

Chaim Ernreich is a marriage and family counselor.
[email protected]