When Change Feels Impossible: The Beliefs That Hold Us Back

"I’m desperate, Chani. I’m exhausted. We’ve been in therapy for five years, and we’ve switched therapists several times.

"I have no strength left. I’m just a person. I don’t have supernatural powers. I can’t deal with this anymore. They expect things from me that I can’t bear, and I’m really trying.

"I focus on the good he’s doing. I see how hard he’s trying to fix things, how he regrets all his wrongdoings, but I just can’t do it. I throw my hands up. I’m not willing to live like this for the rest of my life.

"It’s been five years and nothing has changed. I’m working hard and still stuck in the same place. I want to live a normal life. I can’t take it anymore," Dafna sobbed.

At the Breaking Point

"It’s truly terrible how you feel. I can sense how much effort you’re investing and how much suffering you’re going through. It’s so painful," I said, empathizing deeply.

"I think I need to be brave and follow my truth, just leave him and start a new life," Dafna said firmly.

"But Dafna, based on everything we’ve been through here, I’m not sure that’s your truth," I surprised her.

"But that’s really what I feel. I truly feel I need to leave him, and then all this suffering will end," she said angrily.

"Yes, I understand that’s how you feel. I believe every moment of suffering you’re experiencing. I’m not saying you don’t feel this way. I’m saying I’m not sure this is your truth," I replied.

"But I feel like everything I’ve tried to do over these five years is just one big performance. I can’t really enjoy anything. I can’t really love him. And I don’t want this anymore. I want to be authentic. I want to truly feel life," she continued, crying.

Looking Beneath the Pain

"Dafna, I think there is a fundamental issue here that requires a deep and painful encounter, but this encounter can save you a great deal of pain, suffering, and many hours of therapy.

"It is probably not new to you and even quite obvious that the root of all the difficult feelings lies in the thoughts. When you think painful and difficult thoughts about him, it activates a painful emotional world. Then, like an endless cycle, those feelings feed the thoughts with even harsher ones, keeping you trapped in a destructive loop." I paused to see if Dafna was with me.

"Do you think I haven’t tried to fight the thoughts? That’s exactly what I’m talking about. It doesn’t help. I don’t have the strength to fight anymore," she said tearfully.

"In order for it not to be a battle, we must identify the root. We must identify the belief that fuels this entire process.

"Based on our work together, I recognize that you hold a very strong inner belief that you cannot forgive him. A very, very strong belief that you cannot overcome something like this. And I will tell you something even harder. There is an even deeper root beneath this belief, a belief that you do not truly believe in relationships. That a relationship is not really for you.

"I believe you have never told anyone this, not even yourself.

"All of these beliefs must be updated so that you can move toward a real choice," I told her.

"But how can I change beliefs? This is honestly how I feel and believe, that after something like this I cannot forgive him. I always knew that if this happened, I wouldn’t stay. That’s who I am," she said angrily.

Beliefs Can Change

"Your beliefs are not you. That is not true. Remember how many times in your life you have changed beliefs. Think of how many things you believed when you were younger that have changed over the years. There were things you once believed about the world that were later shattered for you.

"You are currently holding onto beliefs that, if you do not reexamine and possibly update them, will continue to cause you suffering. You will not be able to truly choose, neither to stay with him nor to separate.

"You should try to release those beliefs, to reset them," I suggested.

"That sounds like science fiction to me. How can I get rid of this? I feel like it’s an inseparable part of me," she said helplessly.

"That is exactly the point. You think you are your beliefs. You believe your beliefs are your personality. And you are afraid to change them because it feels like losing your identity.

"But your beliefs are not your personality. The truth is, you have already changed many beliefs throughout your life, and it did not harm your personality.

"On the contrary, a person with true personality is someone who knows how to update their most fundamental beliefs when they realize that the path and beliefs they have held are harmful and damaging. Such a person can then open themselves to new possibilities," I summarized.

"I feel dizzy from everything you’ve told me. And I still don’t understand how I actually do this," she said.

"Before we get to the how, it is important to first understand within your consciousness that change is possible. The how will come later.

"I will try to explain this to you in another way. Imagine you are a naval fighter, with a high tech ship, heavy weapons, missiles, and an incredible defense system. You are going into battle. But your ship is turned backward toward your own army. You are convinced this is the right direction. You are certain the enemy is there, and you keep firing missiles nonstop at your own army, fully convinced they are the enemy.

"And then you do not understand why you keep losing. You ask yourself how this can be. After all, you have the most advanced and battle ready ship. How could you be losing?" I asked her.

"Of course someone needs to tell me I’m not heading in the right direction and help me turn the ship around," she responded.

I smiled at her.

She looked at me and said, "Now I understand."